LAST SUMMER my husband and I experienced something magical. When, on the first day of our holiday, our daughter woke up at her usual (obscenely early) time of 6am, we heard a voice offering to look after her and suggesting that we go back to sleep. I recall drowsily thinking that I must be dreaming. Then I remembered: my parents were holidaying with us, and it was my mother who was stepping gallantly into the breach.
Growing up, many children can’t wait to escape from holidays with their parents. As they turn into teenagers, the generation gap seems to widen, and holidaying with friends becomes far more appealing. Yet once you have children of your own, the process strangely reverses. Suddenly you find yourself comparing diaries with your parents, desperate to slot in a trip en famille. That way, your child can bond with grandma and grandpa while you take full advantage of built-in babysitting.
“It’s quite scary when you think you’d like to go away with your parents,” says Sara Eaton, mother of James, who’s almost 4, and Charlie, 15 months. “It makes you realise you are getting older.”
Eaton, her husband Derek and their sons recently returned from a fortnight in Brittany with both sets of grandparents — a brave, and possibly foolhardy, thing to do.
“I do think we’re unusual,” she says. “But we all get on really well. My parents and my in-laws are quite easygoing, they love spending time with the children and the children love it too. It also means we can relax. I can have a glass of wine and a really leisurely bath — something I never do at home — and we can also have long lie-ins. One year we just slept and slept.”
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The Eatons have been holidaying with the grandparents since James was born and it sounds idyllic. However, Peter Gilchrist, a consultant educational psychologist specialising in family issues, says that it is also a huge risk.
“Going away with your parents or in-laws can be marvellous and have huge benefits for everyone,” Gilchrist says. “But it can also easily turn into a nightmare.
“If there are any tensions in your relationship, don’t assume they will be resolved on holiday. In fact, you’ll have so much time on your hands, things could get worse. It leaves you very vulnerable.”
That was certainly the case for Laura Stephenson. “My Mum and I are probably a bit too similar and used to argue when I was growing up,” Stephenson says. “But that was years ago, so when she suggested coming away with me, my husband and the kids, I thought it would be fun, and good to spend some proper time together.”
Stephenson, 40, and her family (husband Liam and children Sophie, 12, and Jack, 9) went to the Lake District with her mother and father.
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“It was a disaster. The weather was terrible so we were stuck inside the cottage and my Mum kept telling me what to do and criticising me. She tried to take over — she treated me like a child rather than a parent — and also really spoilt the kids. If I told them off, she always took their side. It was awful.”
Tension grew throughout the week. “At first we tried not to shout at each other because the kids were always there. But then it became too much. We ended up being really insulting and Mum and Dad actually drove home early. It’s taken months to get back to normal.”
Peter Gilchrist isn’t surprised by Stephenson’s experience. “When grandparents interfere, it can be extremely irritating,” he says. “You don’t want to find that when you go on holiday, grandma takes over. You really need to establish rules beforehand. Otherwise, once the ice breaks, you can get into an awful merry-go-round of rows.”
But it’s not just arguments that can happen. I’ve heard tales of grandparents charging their children for coming to share their villa, and of a grandmother who spent an entire holiday buying presents for her other grandchildren — and ignoring the ones she was with. Meanwhile, one couple who kindly offered to take the husband’s father on their two-week holiday were compensated by just one evening of babysitting. “We didn’t want to ask,” they say, admitting they should have discussed it before they left. “We felt he should have offered.”
But what of the grandparents? My mother, Ann Ebner, is under no illusions as to why we particularly enjoy holidaying with her (and my father).
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“We know that the underlying reason is childcare and that we’re there as back-up,” Ann says. “I get up early anyway, so looking after Jessica in the mornings isn’t a problem.”
However, that’s not the whole story. We also enjoy their company and my daughter loves spending time with her grandparents.
That’s why it was a mini-disaster when my mother and father — somewhat selfishly, I feel — chose to go to a wedding abroad this summer instead of coming on holiday with us. When my daughter awoke at 5am on the first morning, there was no one available to save us.