Q My husband and I have been together for eight years and happily married for two — apart from one snag: he’s addicted to his profession. He is a web developer and when he comes home he continues to tap away on his laptop. Sometimes he’s teaching himself something new to try to gain a promotion, or he’s coding a computer game, which he insists isn’t work, but appears very much like it. At weekends I want to share an activity. I suggest visiting a museum, a day out, or a game of Scrabble, but he isn’t interested. We’ve never shared a hobby. While I have my own interests, I still wish to spend quality time with my husband, who is leaving me feeling increasingly alone.
A You must force him to empathise with you. Right now, your husband has no idea how his screen addiction is making you feel. You need to engineer an extreme role reversal: you permanently engrossed online and him off.
I had a rude digital awakening recently, like the one your fella needs, while walking about the Guggenheim in New York. My darling best mate managed to break the woozy spell of Frank Lloyd Wright’s spiralised art gallery by constantly pulling out her mobile and going for it on Whatsapp. Normally I wouldn’t have noticed, but my own phone wasn’t working — and it sucked. In my friend’s defence, her boyfriend was 4,000 miles away, but — essential sexting aside, which I could just about permit — this digital beavering continued throughout my four-day trip.
Suddenly I became aware of these little tiles of light distracting everyone in restaurants, bars and parks across the Big Apple.
The experience has changed my digital behaviour ever since. Now, whenever I’m in company and begin to reach for my phone, I remember how alienating it felt to be with someone who was glued to theirs. This is the reality check your husband needs. I don’t doubt he’s a good guy, but he’s cheating on you with his machine. And while it’s not sexual — unless he’s hugely into his code — he needs this wake-up call.
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So, here’s how the role reversal will work. Outside of his working hours, your husband needs to go cold turkey: no computer or phone for two weeks — including weekends. Instead, he can do all the cooking, cleaning and any other analogue tasks you usually fill your time with.
You, meanwhile, will become computer empress. Create those spreadsheets you always said you would. Fashion your own website on WordPress. Digitise your world. Live tweet the whole experiment and tag @TheSTMagazine if you feel brave enough. And don’t let up when you both leave the house. Keep tapping away on your phone while he can’t. He needs to feel the same isolation you endure.
After the two weeks, I suggest you set a nightly curfew for when he must switch off. And no mobiles in the bedroom, either. Alarm clocks are cheap nowadays. If he protests, remind him that this step change isn’t solely for you, it’s for his health too. His tech addiction is slowly harming not only your connection as a couple, but his with the world around him. Instigating a weekly date night — dinner and conversation, no screens — is a good, gentle way for him to rediscover his neglected offline persona.
Find a shared goal to work towards — one that he can buy into. Games of Scrabble aren’t going to cut it with a task-focused individual such as him. What about a dance competition, or a choir recital, or a 5km run?
Finally, make sure that the root of all this is not him worrying about your financial security. Many men still shoulder “provider anxiety” alone. I am not doubting your contribution to the marital pot, but it would be prudent to discover what’s driving his fierce work ethic. While not the sexiest topic for date night, if this really is a problem he feels he’s dealing with unaided, then don’t ignore it simply because it seems an old-fashioned issue. It must be confronted.
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Writing the code for a marriage requires just as many hours as he’s giving his computer games. So let the relationship hackathon begin.
Emma presents BBC Radio 5 Live
Daily, Wed-Fri, 10am-1pm
@emmabarnett
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