I have a big pile of them now. Letters from my bank to say I have missed yet another payment for a council tax, phone or utility bill. And every time I open them, it is another reminder that I feel like I am failing. That I, Gail Emms, an Olympic silver medal-winner, am a failure.
As anyone else in my financial situation will testify, it hurts. I cry a lot and do what I can to make the payment, sell stuff on eBay and hope there is enough work next month. Some months are good and I get to do what I love best: inspiring kids in schools, motivational talks at “women in business” events. However, it gets harder each year to maintain my profile and get bookings.
I should have seen the signs earlier, I guess, and started making plans a year ago to look for other work options. As it stands, I have been job-hunting for the past few months because I cannot keep scrabbling behind the sofa to pay bills. I have emailed and called people I know, applied for jobs and even emailed people I have never met in the vain hope that someone would recognise my potential.
Another rejection, another “not making the interview”, and all my demons come back to haunt me. A sportsperson relies on ego and feeling great. A sportsperson is ambitious, determined and wants to show off what they can do. Rejection, failure and losing just don’t compute.
Why would someone employ me? I have a CV that reads “played professional badminton for ten years” and I have just turned 40. I have no qualifications other than a sports science degree, which I completed in 1998. I haven’t had any experience in any organisation or company. I would be a gamble, you might have to guide me a little and there just might not be any work in the sports industry right now, I guess. I can’t wave a magic wand and expect someone to give me a job, right?
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“My inner drive and ambition can’t turn off
There has been a lot of talk about supporting athletes post-retirement for mental health and, right now, I need that support. I am feeling lost and with no direction, no purpose, no career, no identity — and who the hell do I go to? I want to provide for my family, to be a strong role model and feel as though I belong somewhere and am part of a team again. Mentally, I am not sure I can cope with more rejections, more obstacles, more feeling like I am losing. I don’t know where to turn.
I know sport and I know athletes. I have lived it, breathed it, been part of PR campaigns, been an ambassador for brands. Yet some idiot told me to go and get a marketing diploma and couldn’t give a crap that I was there trying to convince him that I would be a valuable asset to his sports marketing team. Some people don’t reply to my emails or messages and take three weeks to get back to me. All normal in the business world apparently, but to someone who is panicking and worried about next month’s bills, it’s three weeks too long.
I feel ashamed and it’s a massive dent in my pride to admit that an Olympic medal-winner is struggling. It’s not just the financial situation, it’s the mental battle I am facing at the moment. I am usually an optimistic person, but I do wonder if the powers that be at UK Sport realise that the athletes they rely on for the country’s feelgood factor can sink into this situation. I’m 15 years behind a career path. I retired and had a family, and I know I should be grateful for what I have. However, my inner drive and ambition can’t turn off. I want more. I need to do more. And I can do more. Given the chance, that is.
So if you see me as a barista at Starbucks — and please don’t think I am joking here — I apologise now if I get your name wrong.
This article was previously published in Women’s Sport Trust’s online magazine themixedzone.co.uk