Then again, who are we kidding? It’s fashionable to buy into the view that age-appropriate dressing no longer exists, that all you need is abs and attitude, but it’s not quite true. Ritchie flinched at Madonna’s nipple moment because some things simply look wrong on a mature woman, however fit. Happily, this unofficial off-limits list errs on the side of generosity. So, it’s perfectly possible for a fortysomething to get away with tourniquet-tight jeans, miniskirts (though not the ra-ra sort), tiny bikinis and so on. In fact, it’s rarely the extreme looks that are the issue, because, on the whole, only the supremely well preserved feel the urge to go there. (The exception, of course, is Donatella Versace, who seems not to have noticed that she looks like a cross between a Disney animation of a lady grouper and a caramelised Miss Piggy; but hey, that’s fashion.) The fact is that where most of us tend to slip up is in the less obvious areas, where we feel reasonably confident. For example:
1. A size fortysomething foot in a high, strappy sandal in warmish weather can quickly end up looking like a hot salami, and there is nothing more ageing or frightening than a pulsating, blue-veined extremity.
2. The slightly too short top with the slightly too low jeans. That little sluggy puppy rim of tummy isn’t cute, not even on a teenager.
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3. Vests, chiffon tops and any clothes that are made to be worn braless, but you need to wear with a bra. This is like wearing a sign that reads: “Wanna be young, but haven’t got the tits.”
4. Big, bright ethnic skirts. The more peasanty and rustic an outfit, the more you need to be 19 to wear it (or risk looking like the fortune-teller).
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5. Pigtails, ankle socks (too school locker).
6. White jeans and white tops. For some reason, this Liz Hurley signature style looks terrible on anyone over 39 (watch out, Liz).
7. Thongs riding up above trousers (once you hit 40, your underwear should be invisible outside the bedroom).
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8. Saint Tropez tan — if it’s subtle, okay, but if it’s not, you’re back in Donatella grouper territory, and you know that’s not a good look.