I’ve always felt for people whose birthdays fall close to Christmas. No one likes to admit it, but to everyone but their mothers they’re the Inconvenient Ones.
They, poor souls, have a drought of celebrations all year, yet when their turn comes everyone’s so busy with festive stuff they’re rather put out having to find two presents, or make a special fuss.
Dave was one of these winter babies – and if he’s hard enough to buy for at the best of times, he’s even harder when you need two brainwaves in a short space of time. I love giving him presents, but he sets the bar very high. He enjoys extravagance just as much as I shy away from it.
The past year offered some inspiration. One of the reasons he stopped playing golf was his failing eyesight. Now, both cataracts sorted, he can see the ball again and has started to go out playing with his mates. Which is great. But golf tees are cruel places when you’re a proud man who hates to hold others up, or be seen fluffing your shots.
He used to be so much more confident, prince of his domain. I’ve told the story before of the nine-hole golf course he and two retired friends built on the hill behind the house, labouring by hand for years, as perfectionist as any Augusta greenkeepers. How after my accident Dave’s lack of time and his friend’s illness meant the project was abandoned, and the moss, bracken, rushes and gorse have obliterated their work as surely as if it had never existed.
Advertisement
Now the grass is so long there isn’t even anywhere for him to practise hitting, because he’d never retrieve a single ball. Plus he’s feeling the cold more, and you can’t play golf in a duvet jacket. Add to that the fact his clubs, his mates tell him, are out of the ark.
I can’t do much about the clubs – that requires an expert – but for his birthday I decided to assemble a golf empowerment package. First up, a practice net, about 8ft sq. Which can be put up in the garden with a bit of old carpet in front of it, so that with total privacy he can banish the fresh air shots and build some confidence.
Next, some clever thermal layering. See men of a certain age with set ideas about clothes? Dave, never knowingly seen without a collar, thinks anything without is for scruffs; I would have to work hard to prove these garments’ magic properties against the cold.
I also looked for something non-bulky but warm and suitably flexible to wear on top. Hours online I bloody spent, wading through acres of guffy marketing speak on golf magazine websites, seeking comparisons on what was warmest and lightest. Golf – the desert that athleisure forgot.
Shopping for special things online, especially clothes, isn’t really shopping; it’s gambling. How do you judge size, texture, quality? When I have no choice, because whipping round the shops is impossible, my only guide is price. So I just click and pray.
Advertisement
Earlier this week his birthday arrived. First the net, which has to be assembled, and is trickier than in the pictures. There’s a surprise. We looked at all the bits, looked at each other and said as one, “Doug.” We’ll wait. We’d end up falling out if we tried to do it – because I could do it but can’t, if you see what I mean, and Mr Impractical can’t but could.
Then the clothing. He stripped off in the kitchen at breakfast to put the high-necked, body-hugging primary layer on. Under Armour. Cost a fortune. Janice and I critiqued.
“It’s too tight,” he said.
“It’s meant to be like that.”
“It makes your body look great. Young. Daniel Craig.”
Advertisement
“Do you really think so?” Preening.
Then the lined merino jumper. Windproof. Dark blue to show off his eyes. Bearing some rather naff body contour seams and a golfy logo that’s apparently desirable.
By lunchtime, he was still wearing his new clobber. And looking enthused.
“It’s terrific. It feels really warm and comfortable and…” He hesitated. “It’s sort of holding me in.”
My Christmas miracle: the story of a very manly man who took to wearing a thermal that felt like a corset to play golf with his mates. Who were probably, secretly, under their jumpers wearing one too.
@Mel_ReidTimes
Melanie Reid is tetraplegic after breaking her neck and back in a riding accident in April 2010
