In the wake of the general election, have we really explored all the options available to us for forming the next government?
The voters have spoken and, not for the first time, no one really seems to know what they’re on about. Depending on which paper you read, we’ve either experienced a political earthquake that has transformed Ireland, or things haven’t changed at all at all, and never ever will . . . and sure are ya having another pint?
Unfortunately, efforts to piece together some sort of workable government will continue for weeks, if not months. If you thought Making a Murderer dragged on a bit, just you wait for Making a Government.
Personally, I don’t actually believe that we have explored all the options. There is a growing consensus that the only realistic solution for the next Dail is a) a Fine Gael-Fianna Fail coalition; b) a “squeal like a piggy” Fine Gael minority government with Fianna Fail as their hillbilly enforcers (sorry, supporters); or c) another frickin’ election.
I would argue that there are many more interesting alternatives, which the conservative establishment seems afraid to even tolerate. Hear me out.
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A Fianna Gael ‘joint custody’ government
There is no reason that Fine Gael and Fianna Fail should not consider governing on a sort of post-divorce, joint-custody, job-sharing basis. Think about it: Fine Gael could take the reins during the week when all the drudgery takes place, and Fianna Fail could step in on weekends for trips to McDonald’s, pubs, racecourses and the like.
As the two parties would only ever have to meet at the handover stage, the government may stand some chance of surviving for more than six months. They simply wouldn’t have time to get into the old “your grandfather shot my grandfather” arguments. Also the inherent boom-bust cycle of the Fianna Fail weekend binge versus the Fine Gael weekday slog would gently moderate over time, meaning that political crises could be brought to an end.
A Labour minority
Apparently, everything bad that has happened since 2011 can be traced back to the Labour party: all of Michael Noonan’s austerity budgets, the migrant crisis, the death of Whitney Houston. None of it was Frankfurt’s fault; it was Labour’s fault. From left to right, one thing that binds TDs of all persuasions, and indeed the electorate, is a love of kicking Labour when they’re down. However, a scenario in which there is a Labour minority government is not entirely unimaginable. It would be made up of seven Labour super-ministers who would be supported by all parties in opposition and would happily sit across the chamber floor blowing raspberries and throwing fruit at their earnest, but doomed, colleagues.
Flatpack social democracy
Every few years, we seem to experience another Groundhog Day moment in Irish politics, whereby a centre-left party goes into government with one of the Civil War parties. It usually provides an Electric Picnic-type atmosphere, heralding great hope at first, only for these parties to be unceremoniously dumped on their arses a few years later by voters, hell-bent on blaming the junior party for all their woes.
This is a shame, because many people like me (disappointed Dublin-based hippies) believe that there is an opportunity for some Scandinavian-style governance in Ireland. Of course, I realise the main problem with installing a Scandinavian-style anything is the lack of Scandinavians here, but there is a potential solution. Could we somehow order in a political system and public services via an Ikea flat-pack? It would include healthcare and childcare systems and we could simply throw the old dead wood into the skip.
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Of course, there is a danger that our current crop of politicians would rush into assembling it without reading the instructions and put all the doors on backwards. But even if they did, it still would still be an improvement.
Flatcap dictatorship
Like many of you, I too was moved to inconsolable tears by the huge election victory of the Healy-Rae brothers in Kerry. I think their populist, “two fingers to Dublin” philosophy could easily be adapted for the national stage. Ireland could adopt a “two fingers to Europe” approach instead by installing a selection of up to eighty flat-capped Healy-Raes in Dail Eireann to rule the land. I’m no scientist, but I’m sure that with proper investment, perhaps by installing a large laboratory on Skellig Michael, we could clone an entire herd of Healy-Raes — sort of like Terminator 2 meets Darby O’Gill and the Little People. If this idea doesn’t quite work out, we could always sell them off to JJ Abrams as Stormtroopers.
The People’s Republic of Cork
The left in Ireland is experiencing unprecedented growth, according to many political commentators on the left in Ireland. However, there is little evidence that it can stop the EastEnders-style bickering to offer a viable alternative and many of us are still a little way off from opening up our houses and offering our Nespresso machines to the state for the collective good.
Capitalism, however, isn’t faring much better, is it? As a sort of trial period, why not hand over Cork to the communists. Let them install a one-party system with Ruth Coppinger or Richard Boyd Barrett as supreme leader and see how they get on for a year? The good people of Cork are never more than five minutes away from declaring a republic anyway, so we would be killing two birds with one stone. They could even nationalise Apple. See how they get on. Pulling on the red jersey would have a whole new meaning.
@colmtobin