I have an important announcement to make. Well, all right, perhaps not as important as most of the things that grace these pages; but within the narrow universe of the bathroom cabinet it nevertheless carries a certain weight. I have discovered the ultimate self-tan.
I’ve never had much luck with the old sunless tanning. It’s fine if a professional does it, but I always make a pig’s ear of my own attempts. It doesn’t seem to matter how much pre-application exfoliation I do, or how carefully I apply the product, somehow I always end up with orange toes or worse.
My abject inability to acquire “sunkissed limbs” singles me out as wholly inadequate among the golden-limbed cosmerati, as does my stubborn refusal to have foreign substances injected into my face. But while the latter remains, for me at least, a moral issue, the former has always been the result of straightforward incompetence.
So what has changed? Invisible Zinc, that’s what. Specifically, its Jetset Tan. Before I go on, I should warn you: IZ is endorsed by Elle Macpherson, which means visiting the website (invisiblezinc.com) can seriously damage your self-esteem. They don’t mean any harm, but just look at this picture of her – Elle is in offensively good shape for a woman of her age (she’s 47).
Anyway, back to the tan. There are two supremely good things about it. First, the colour, which is (on me, at least) an extremely natural pinky brown – rather than the insipid yellow gold I so often end up with. The second is the amazing fineness of the mist, and the fact that it really does dry instantaneously.
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The lightness of the mist is crucial: it’s almost impossible to put too much on, and it gives an incredibly even colour. No streaks, no concentration of product in odd areas and definitely no droplets. The process is so effective that you can put the stuff on mere minutes before climbing into bed, and apart from the characteristic smell of wet alsatian that inevitably invades the nostrils at around 3am, you will rise with a gentle yet pristine tan.
I find it works best on clean, moisturised skin, and I always dab a bit of extra cream on knees, elbows, eyebrows and other areas where colour tends to congregate. Best of all, it lasts well and doesn’t fade in patches. My only disappointment is that I still don’t look anything like Macpherson.
Talking of eyebrows – and of other sensitive areas you may wish to subject to depilation during the summer months – I discovered, on a recent defuzzing visit to Strip, in West London (stripwaxbar.com), a wonderful new product called No Scream Cream (£19). It’s basically a non-prescription version of the analgesic cream they use on children before injections; you apply a thin layer (don’t rub it in) half an hour beforehand, and it really does take the edge off even the most eyewatering procedures – especially eyebrow threading, which on my last couple of appointments has practically sent me into orbit.