When the Chinese Strategic Artillery force unleashed a wave of intercontinental missiles to strike the Eastern Seaboard of the United States, they were braced for immediate nuclear retaliation. None came. Later investigation revealed that US missile defence forces were playing a particularly exciting Counterstrike tournament, and failed to react before it was too late.
Invasion plans continued as expected. A mobile cavalry unit of the People’s Liberation Army was given the honour of the assault on Washingon, but was dismayed to find their landing unopposed. The streets around them were empty of civilian vehicles - no real surprise given the price of oil - but they kept their QBZ-95 assault rifles high.
Everywhere they saw tanks, artillery pieces, trucks, and thousands of US troops, yet none seemed focused on the task at hand. They were certainly busy: a troop of crack bloggers from the US Marines were posting heart-felt denunciations of US military strategy. A unit of Navy Seals were live-streaming the encounter, giving extremely accurate descriptions of every aspect of the Chinese attack force in fluent LOLcat. A Patratroop division had dug in, set up a mobile internet connection, and rigged up a makeshift LAN party. Thousands of regular infantry sat updating their MySpace profiles on ruggedised laptops. Delta Force specialists were conducting complex transactions via their iPhones. The Chinese troops moved in with bayonets. It was all over very quickly.
The Chinese Special Forces armed with sniper rifles and flashbangs disembarked on the White House lawn and moved in formation towards the North Facade, the setting eerily familiar from pirated West Wing DVDs. They expected to hear the sharp crack of small-arms fire from the Secret Service, but not a shot was fired.
Inside the marble halls they found a group of men in dark suits and sunglasses tapping away at laptops, updating their profiles on CurlyWhiteWire.com, a brand social network for Secret Service professionals. They were quickly overpowered.
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Outside the Oval office, the President’s personal bodyguard was playing Liberty City Stories on his PSP. He was shot before he had time to remove his ear buds.
The Chinese Commander ordered a soldier to open the door of the Oval Office carefully, wary of booby-traps. Three soldiers ran in and covered the President. Then the Commander entered and saluted the slim figure standing behind the desk. He sensed that even his highly trained troops were tense with excitement and shock.
The President was used to visitors being a little overwhelmed, and knew how to put them at their ease with a little humour.
“You look surprised,” said the President. “You were expecting someone taller?”
The Chinese Commander noticed the open laptop on the President’s desk, but said nothing. Then, slowly, he removed his pistol from its holster. The President sighed, and logged into Facebook one last time. He looked at the familiar, Twitter-like question on the top right-hand corner of his screen, that said, “What are you doing right now?”
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The President wondered if it might have been a mistake to conducting Cabinet meetings in Second Life, and whether the standard issue military iPod had been a distraction. Had the whole country had simply taken its eye off the ball? Hard to say.
If there was still time, what about posting a Twitter entry, getting some feedback? The President heard the unmistakable click of the safety catch coming off the Chinese General’s sidearm. He sighed, and two-finger typed: “AFK BRB!”
The President hit return with satisfaction before the shot rang out.
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Michael Parsons, now Editorial Director, Consumer Media, for CNET Networks UK, spent five years working in Silicon Valley and worrying about technology. He can be reached at michael.parsons@cnet.com