I am told, by top secret sources, that Alistair Darling does indeed have a personality. If true, this is bombshell news. The fear that our new Chancellor was actually the first leader of a non-personality cult has sparked alarm throughout Westminster. Apparently MI5 has hired a team of archaeologists who are digging non-stop to unearth the Chancellor’s inner rock star. So far, the rumour is that they have only hit rock-bottom. Still, hope springs eternal for spies and sketchwriters though, having been to Treasury Questions, I suspect that Bono has little to worry about. I do think that Mr Darling, if he’s serious about having a personality, should ditch his first name. Darling is a great asset — he needs to use it. Plus, I can tell him, free, that he should emphasise his only interesting feature: the stick-on caterpillar eyebrows. He should have them enlarged or, at least, hoovered.
It was the first Treasury Questions in ten years without Gordon Brown. The new team looked very strange: there was Mr Eyebrows, plus the rising star Andy Burnham (aged 12). There is also a parliamentary ing?nue named Kitty Ussher. She earned this promotion by nonstop brown-nosing for the past two years. That she is Virginia Bottomley’s niece makes her elevation to the front bench even more delicious.
Vince Cable, for the Lib Dems, started off with a rather risqu? question. “Darling, how is the honeymoon?” he ventured. Well, maybe not exactly. What he really said was: “I hope you enjoy your honeymoon until the day you have to say ‘no’ to the Prime Minister.” The caterpillar eyebrows arose (and majestic they are, too — I just hope Annie Leibowitz never tries to photograph them). “I thank you for your good wishes. I don’t know when the honeymoon will come to an end. I think it has come to an end already.” Everyone laughed uneasily. What did it mean? Was Gordon missing Tony so much that he was rowing with the new Chancellor for old times’ sake?
George Osborne, the Shadow Chancellor, is dark and deadly. Even his existence used to irritate Mr Brown. “It’s going to be fun shadowing someone I’m actually on speaking terms with,” he said. Fun? There was unrest until George cried: “. . . for the moment!”
His question was one long taunt. “Of course, unlike most chancellors you can’t blame your predecessor for the undoubted mess that you have inherited. And there is no greater mess than the tax credit system and its administration!” For once, this was not an exaggeration. The tax credit system is such a shambles that Gordon never answered one question on it, ever, in the Commons. At times he came close to farce as he extolled its endless wonders as report after report detailed its woeful failures.
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Mr Osborne noted that a new report on the tax credit system recorded that, in 2005-06, the Revenue made mistaken payments of more than £2 billion. “Does he accept that this is a totally unacceptable scandal?” he shouted.
Darling’s answer shocked us all. “You are quite right. We do need to get these levels of error down.” MPs were staring openly. Such emollient language had never been heard at Treasury Questions. There may be hope for that personality yet.