BUGGER all. I had better explain the phrase for the benefit of American readers, for it is not one you hear very often on this side of the Atlantic. To say, for example, that the United States have bugger all chance of winning the Ryder Cup in two years’ time does not mean that they have every chance. Au contraire.
It is a bit of classic British colloquial speech, an irony (look it up, cousins) in which a word is used to mean the exact opposite of its literal meaning: a very short man is called “Lofty” and a stolid fellow “Fiery”. So when Monty said that his personal record in Ryder Cup golf meant “bugger all”, he was not saying that it mattered hugely. He was saying that it didn’t matter in the slightest: and he said so with transparent sincerity.
Colin Montgomerie didn’t make the Europe team on merit. He earned his place because Bernhard Langer, the captain, has two discretionary selections. One of these was Montgomerie. That decision was the mother of all no-brainers: Montgomerie, prone to saucy doubts and fears in the loneliness of strokeplay tournament golf, is the titan of the Ryder Cup.
The record that means bugger all is now 14 wins, three defeats and three draws in his past 20 Ryder Cup matches; his total record in singles is five wins, no defeats and two draws. At a rather hysterical press conference after the presentation, Thomas Levet, of France, introduced the team with champagne-fuelled comedy, turning to Montgomerie: “Mr Ryder Cup! The mean machine! Don’t play singles with him, you’ve lost already!”
And with the sublime and glorious obviousness that only sport dares to give us, Montgomerie it was who sank the winning putt. Incidentally, he didn’t know it was the wining putt, there being, for some ludicrous reason, no scoreboard on the 18th. He had set Europe on the way with victory in the first match of the tournament over Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson, in partnership with Padraig Harrington. Harrington is the highest-ranked European. “I didn’t try to be the on-course leader,” he said. “I left that for Monty.”
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Montgomerie was in an I’ve-started-so-I’ll-finish sort of mood all over the long weekend: he scored the first point, he scored the winning point. “Well,” he said, “someone’s got to do it.” There was a little affectionate laughter at this, so he added, repeating the phrase in explanation: “It personally means bugger all.”
Really nothing? Well, nothing compared with what really matters, that is for sure, and what matters to Montgomerie is being in a team, being a crucial part of a winning team and being cherished within it. Montgomerie has always loved that aspect of the Ryder Cup: the team vibe frees him from his private prison of self-doubt. Every couple of years, Montgomerie makes Woods look like a small-timer who can’t take the pressure.
But this year his need to be cherished was greater than ever: a divorce finalised a month back has left him shattered. Small things showed how much his team-mates understood that need. He was the only one without a dazzling partner to show off, but he was not allowed to be alone and glum. They even set up a special photo, just Monty with all the partnering females.
And Montgomerie said his emotional thanks: “I wouldn’t have been able to make this team if it wasn’t for the 11 guys plus Bernhard giving me support over the last months. I would like to thank them all here, publicly. I thank them all, truly, for what they’ve shown me this week and how I’ve been accepted.” At this, Sergio García led a round of applause from the team.
Montgomerie is 41 and so naturally he was asked if he would play another Ryder Cup. A good question: with his fading powers in tournament play, he is unlikely to make the team on merit, would probably have to be a captain’s pick again and many feel that this would be the perfect moment to end his Ryder Cup career. But professional athletes don’t always think like that. Anyway, as he was drawing breath to reply, Langer stole the question: “He will play. He’s too young to be a captain, he will play.”
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Not that Langer will necessarily be the captain in two years, but you get the idea of what Montgomerie means in Ryder Cup golf. Taken aback by this vehemence, Montgomerie said: “I’d love to play again. I’m glad Bernhard had some faith in me, glad to have helped the team cause.” There will be a clamour to make Montgomerie captain for the next Ryder Cup, although no decision will be made for all but a year. On his performances last week and over the years, he should be made captain in perpetuity.
Montgomerie won three matches of the four in which he was involved and he even won over the American galleries, who have for years revelled in tormenting him. Americans do not, in the end, have it in themselves to withhold admiration from a serial winner and Montgomerie is a talismanic, unstoppable winner in the competition the Americans have taken to calling “Monty’s Major”. That is a nice tribute, though doubtless it means bugger all to Monty. But it shouldn’t, should it?