1. Secretly agree to manage Germany. For free. The day before the World Cup finals begin. “Ich bin ein Hertha Berliner.”
2. Accompany Stan Collymore on a dogging expedition to a public park in Newark. “Stop flashing those headlights Stanley.”
3. Enter Celebrity Big Brother wearing only a nappy while pretending to be a baby to amuse Faria Alam.
4. Agree to do a low-budget television advertisement for built-up shoes, set in a sauna. “They got me into bed with Ulrika Jonsson. They could do the same for you.”
5. Promise Michael Owen
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to friends at Rochdale without a) Owen or b) Rochdale knowing. “He’s bored at Newcastle. Spotland is the place for him. He told me.”
6. Promise David Beckham to his friends in Germany without a) Beckham or b) Germany knowing. “Look, he’ll come with me. I’m the Germany manager now and I’m doing it for free.”
7. Star in a grisly pornographic film. “If all the actors can avoid injury and if Trinidad & Tobago don’t do anything out of the ordinary, I really do believe The Ice Man Cometh can win an Oscar.”
8. Accept an offer of £5m a year to manage a shoe shop. “Well yes, that is the job for me. A discount on built-up shoes for everyone.”
9. Give the long-lost Michael Ricketts another England cap. “He is a better player now for his experience in Bolton’s reserves and Cardiff’s first team.”
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10. Have a torrid affair with a slightly risqué blonde television personality.
11. Stand for the leadership of the Liberal Democrats. “Simon Hughes swings to the left, Mark Oaten swings to the right. I just swing.”
12. Be a guest on Nancy’s television show. “No I won’t bloody marry you. And how old are you again?”
13. Join the News of the World as a columnist. “Well, it did William Hague no harm. That’ll be £5m a year.”
14. Have a surprisingly passionate affair with Camilla, Duchess Of Cornwall, before being discovered by the tabloids.
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15. Lose to Tim Henman at tennis. “I should never have worn built-up trainers.”
16. Join George Galloway’s Respect party. “I love this man, more than I love Nancy. I too have aspired to behave with such dignity and decorum in my own public life.”
17. Get caught speed-dating by the tabloids. “Hello my lovely. My name is, er, Sventil. I am, er, Norwegian and, er, I am really this tall. Would you like to meet David Beckham and Adrian Bevington?”
18. Accept an obviously fictitious offer of £5m a year to manage Aston Villa for a so-called sheikh. Oh . . .