How many coats does a man need? With the winter weather continuing to do such odd things — one minute arctic, the next driving rain, then almost springlike mildness — it’s a question that I’ve been asking myself a lot lately. And the short answer is, well, five.
“Five coats?” I hear enraged wives and girlfriends screaming. “And just how much are they going to cost? Two hundred quid apiece minimum. A thousand quid’s worth of coats. Outrageous! I’m going to remember that, next time you have a go at me about my shoe collection!”
Ladies, calm yourselves. Just as we men are never going to understand why you need so many shoes, so you chicks will never get why a chap requires so many coats. But I shall try to explain anyway. It’s because we boys don’t view our clothes primarily as a means of scratching the opposition’s eyes out. Rather, we like garments that make us feel comfortable; ones that help us to blend in; preferably ones that are ingeniously technical and task-specific.
I’ll give you an example: I have, clogging up my coat racks, the biggest puffy Woolrich parka that I hardly use. The reason I hardly use it is because it’s designed to be worn in places so cold your urine turns to ice midstream, rather than for London winters that are so mild that you scarcely need to dig up your dahlia tubers.
But every now and then (about five days so far this year; none at all in the previous winter) there comes a day so bitterly cold that you think: “Hurrah! Thank God, for my Woolrich parka.” And you snuggle within its downy plumpness and make it all the way to the newsagent and back without a single appendage dropping off — because you are kitted out properly.
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It would be sod-all use, though, if you were invited for dinner at a gentlemen’s club — however cold the evening. Puffa-style coats are fine on a film location or for pimp-rolling down the mean streets pretending to be a homey, but they look rubbish when worn over a suit. For that you need something smart and tailored and woollen in navy, black or camel.
Nor would it be much cop if you had to walk much more than five yards. Puffas/sub-zero parkas are fine if you’re sitting around doing nothing. Or when you’ve got a cold and your resistance is low. But the moment you start building up a sweat, forget it. For your more general outdoorsy situation — a weekend of country walks, say, or ice-skating — you need something lighter, more portable and versatile: a waterproof, breathable walking coat.
Now this waterproof breathable walking coat is all very well, with its clever little technical details (Gore-Tex; fitted hood; self-sealing pockets etc), but you’d never want to wear such a thing in town. You might be mistaken for one of those chunky types who never wear anything but Timberland boots. No, for a town situation you need a classic mac or a trench coat — something to keep you dry but which leaves no doubt that the Big Smoke is your natural stalking ground.
Then, finally, there’s your frivolous coat — the one you bought just because you liked it. It could be something shaggy that makes you look amusingly like a bear. Or a stinky old Afghan that you’re wearing in an ironic post-hippy way. Or a long black leather one that makes you think you look like “I” from Withnail & I, but which your friends think is a bit too Gestapo. Or a duster coat that makes you feel like Clint in High Plains Drifter. Or, come to think of it, every single one of these options and more. That’s the thing about coats, where boys are concerned: they turn us into veritable Mister Benns.
So you see girls, when I said a chap needs an absolute minimum of five winter coats, I was really being very conservative. The true figure is more like . . . well, remind me again just how many different pairs of shoes it is you think you need?
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WINTER: A SEASON FOR ALL COATS...
ULTRA COLD WEATHER COAT
For: when it’s brass monkey weather outside; when you have a cold.
The downside: you’ll hardly wear it; it takes up huge amounts of space
The upside: when you need it, you’re so grateful.
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What to buy? Woolrich original arctic parka; Penfield; the original Puffa jacket; something down-filled by North Face or other mountaineering shops.
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SMART WOOLLEN COAT
For: wearing over a suit; looking smart: funerals; dinner at gentlemen’s clubs; going to the opera.
The downside: it needs looking after; it will — or should, as you don’t want to stint on quality — be quite expensive.
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The upside: you will cut a serious dash.
What to buy? The classic covert coat is the best all-rounder. A Crombie is a safe bet. Cashmere is a joy but a bit spivvy.
OUTDOORSY TECHNICAL COAT
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For: going on walks; keeping you dry and warm when you’re going sporty or healthy outdoors.
The downside: frightfully naff in town.
The upside: brilliant for everything else.
What to buy: An expert at Itchy Feet in Soho tells me that you can pick up something first class for about £180 to £200. Above that and you’re getting features you don’t need. Much below that and you won’t get such fine detail. His top tip was Patagonia. Berghaus and Mountain Equipment are also worthwhile.
URBAN RAIN COAT
For: being a man about town in the rain.
The downside: an extravagance — it has only one purpose.
The upside: that purpose is important.
What to buy: a classic trench coat from Burberry or Aquascutum is a good option (see Christopher Bailey’s new version for Burberry Prorsum in Harvey Nicks); anything black and rubberised is fine (APC). I have a 1975 Pampas jacket (£149.75; ring 0870 6012244 for stockists) by Rohan.
FRIVOLOUS FASHION COAT
For: wasting money on; expressing your inner girl; pretending to be things you’re not.
The downside: will last you only a couple of seasons, if that.
The upside: for at least 30 seconds, you feel great.
What to buy: the two key trends are for pea coats and any military cut. Lots of cheap offerings at Zara, Gap and River Island. Or splash out on something more extravagant: — there is a tasty number by upcoming brand Cloak at Harvey Nichols.