SAM STANLEY, the 23-year old who played for England Sevens at five tournaments and is a member of one of the most famous rugby families in the sport, has become the first English professional union player to publicly reveal that he is gay.
But it has been a painful journey, and at one point he says he considered suicide because he was scared that telling the world he was gay would ruin his rugby career. He had also gone to great pains to cover up his relationship with Laurence, his partner of five years.
Stanley’s career has been badly affected by knee injuries after he played for England U16 and U18 as a centre of rich promise. He was born in Essex to an English mother and a father of Samoan descent and his brother, Michael, is in the Samoa squad for the World Cup.
“I was 10 or 11 when I realised I was different to my friends,” he says. “I didn’t want to accept it, I felt that being different wasn’t right. I had a girlfriend and I was thinking that, like some people say, maybe it is just a phase.”
However, he talks of the relief he feels now that he has come out. He has thanked Ben Cohen, who won the World Cup with England in 2003, for the advice he gave him. Cohen’s Stand Up Foundation campaigns against bullying in all its forms. “Ben is a great person to talk to. He gave me loads of great advice,” Stanley says.
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Unsurprisingly, Stanley has been inspired by Gareth Thomas, the former Welsh captain who has written of his years of despair before finding happiness after revealing that he was gay. Thomas was married and said that telling his wife was the most difficult thing he has ever had to do.
Stanley has been surprised by the warmth of the reaction to his declaration from the rugby world, including England squad players he knew from his years in the Saracens academy, from his sister Olivia, his siblings and Remi, his ex-girlfriend.
He recently attended a gathering of the class of 2008, the crop of young players who joined Saracens together, some of them now internationals, and found nothing but support. “It is such a relief, though strange I suppose that old friends who knew me so well, didn’t know me at all.” Ed Griffiths, the former chief executive of Saracens, texted warm support.
Stanley has been through turmoil, and his relationship with Laurence created its own difficulties. “I fell in love with him pretty early but we had issues ourselves because he had only just moved out from his own home after more than 20 years of marriage and having his own children. He was just finding himself as well.
“I was really happy with him but if there was a bad day I wouldn’t be able to share it with anyone else. One birthday we were going through a tough time and it was all really hard to take. It would have been nice to get things off my mind with someone else.”
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But nobody else knew. Then came the low point. “I was standing on a bridge about four or five years ago, overlooking a motorway in Essex,” he says. “However, looking back, the idea that I would jump was ridiculous but it was as if I was thinking that I could get rid of the pain in one go. You are so worried about what people will think and I thought I couldn’t be a macho rugby player the way I was, and there was nothing else I wanted to do with my life.”
He was forced to weave a web of secrecy. In the home he shared with Laurence, they made up a spare bedroom (“just in case the lads popped round”) and told everybody that Laurence was his cousin. “Some of the rugby guys must have wondered why I spent so much of my time with this cousin,” he says.
On one occasion, one of the young Saracens with whom he shared a house ran into a friend of his sister-in-law. Stanley did not mix with his housemates at weekends, telling them he was going home to Essex. The sister-in-law’s friend remarked that Stanley never came home, and the player corrected her, saying: “No, he is always back in Essex at the weekend.”
David Priestley, the club psychologist, was one of the first people he told. Remi, his former girlfriend, turned out to be the confidante he had always craved. “She has been fantastic, she’s my best friend,” he says. “Remi sensed something was not right when we were together, blamed herself for being insecure.”
His uncle is Joe Stanley, the New Zealand centre who was part of the All Black team that won the 1987 World Cup. Joe’s son, Joe Jr, is also gay and Stanley Sr regularly attends matches involving New Zealand Falcons, a gay rugby team for whom his son plays. “My uncle is coming over during the World Cup and wants to meet Laurence. It will be great to have him sit down with Laurence and myself.”
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Stanley is not by nature a campaigner, but this is different. He is concerned that so many people find it hard to come out and must instead suffer in near-silence, and that the recent examples of Thomas and Nigel Owens, the outstanding referee, have had little impact.
Only Keegan Hirst, the Batley Bulldogs rugby league player, has joined the list of rugby’s gay players, but this is a bigger issue.
“Millions of people are in the situation, even people who have been in Laurence’s situation and are still married but are gay. They cannot accept it themselves,” he says. “It is going to be an issue until more people and athletes come out, until it is not an issue at all. It might take years but hopefully, lots of people will find the courage.”
Stanley is playing for Ealing Trailfinders in the Championship this season, anxious for rugby action after two serious knee operations. He wants to resurrect his playing career so that he can use his higher profile to connect with those who continue to live in denial.