SO, THAT’S THE BENCHMARK, THEN, right there: Argentina’s second goal yesterday against Serbia and Montenegro. There have been goals scored in this World Cup from miles farther out, involving shots of far greater power. But we have seen nothing to rival the sheer command and suavity of the 24-pass move that led to Esteban Cambiasso scoring quite straightforwardly from 12 yards.
The opposition were completely carved apart. Indeed, if Serbia and Montenegro hadn’t already decided to become independent states, that goal would surely have forced them to have a good, hard think about the idea.
At half-time, aghast in the BBC’s Berlin loft apartment, Alan Hansen vowed to come home if there’s a better goal scored. We’ve kept the evidence of this pledge on tape, just in case, but don’t hold your breath. The BBC’s legal department is pretty canny and there are likely to be binding clauses in Hansen’s contract guaranteeing his participation for the duration, whatever he says in the heat of the moment.
Also, to be frank, we don’t really have the energy for a long and drawn-out civil suit, not with the World Cup being on and everything.
The move had begun with the regaining of possession not far outside Argentina’s own penalty area. Yet, of the 24 entirely unhindered passes that moved the ball patiently towards the penalty spot at the other end, and thence into the back of the net, not one travelled more than 15 yards and in only one case was the ball required to leave the ground — a chip out to Juan Pablo Sorín on the wing, who quickly chested it down on to the grass again.
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One other thing: at no point in this move did any player perform a stepover. Can we finally become honest with one another about the value of the stepover? I know Ronaldinho does them. But he’s Ronaldinho. In 95 per cent of other cases, the stepover is the showboating lightweight’s way of saying: “I haven’t really got a clue what I’m going to do next, or where my nearest team-mate is.” I don’t know why Fifa has got such a bee in its bonnet about sliding tackles when yellow cards for stepovers is what the people genuinely want to see. Did that Argentina move remind you of anyone? Not England, I’m assuming. Aerial photographs from Thursday’s unmanned and mostly simulated mission against Trinidad & Tobago reveal a space roughly the area of Cornwall between the midfield and the attack, as five years under Sven-Göran Eriksson and three weeks of expensive fine-tuning in the Black Forest composted down into the solitary vision statement: “Ping it up to Crouchy.”
Much was made on television at the time of how Trinidad & Tobago “didn’t seem overawed”, but why would they be? In effect, they were up against Milton Keynes Dons with a bigger hospitality budget.
Glimpses of Diego Maradona in the crowd yesterday, wearing a replica shirt and a patriotic rictus, will have done nothing to stem the fast-dissipating feeling that England in any way “have what it takes” out there in Germany.
The Argentina legend is one of those rare celebrities who, with the passing of the years, has come to appear more frightening than his Spitting Image puppet and accordingly, during his nation’s anthem, he was, in all senses, animated.
“So passionate,” Jonathan Pearce purred.
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“That’s passion,” Ian Wright, the BBC’s self-appointed passion correspondent, confirmed when the images were shown again in slow motion at half-time.
You never see Sir Bobby Charlton threaten the integrity of his blood vessels in that way. Yet, when you come down to it, there is no reason why it shouldn’t be a condition of his getting a free seat. But, sad to say, even England’s legends appear to lack the wherewithal to turn it on when it comes to the big occasion.
WORLD CUP 7/24
This is what we loved about football yesterday . . .
1. The betting industry was counting the cost yesterday of Peter Crouch’s late goal against Trinidad & Tobago. Ladbrokes said: “Crouch’s header was a million-pound goal in betting terms. We’d be sitting pretty if it wasn’t for the likes of Crouch, Ljungberg, Neuville and Cahill.” Diddums . . .
2. Roman Abramovich is criss-crossing Germany in his private jet. The Chelsea owner hung out with Andriy Shevchenko at Ukraine’s 4-0 loss against Spain last week, but it is unclear whether Didier Drogba was given such attention at the Ivory Coast’s match against Holland yesterday.
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3. Far be it for us to cast aspersions about such an important a figure as Goleo, the official World Cup mascot, but, well, how shall we put it — isn’t he a little too in touch with his feminine side? Just buy the fridge magnet, you’ll see. World Cup Willy would have had him for breakfast.
4. When Esteban Cambiasso put the finishing touch to a 24-pass move during Argentina’s 6-0 masterclass against Serbia and Montenegro, we were all reminded why football is known as the beautiful game. The South Americans have set the highest standard so far and while we have seen many stunning strikes, the Inter Milan player’s will take some beating.
5. Thumping heart, dry mouth, beer going down faster than usual? You must be suffering from football-related stress. Researchers from Loughborough University have told us that our anxiety levels tend to rise when watching matches. Thanks for that. Tell us something we don’t know.
6. Two fanatical supporters from Uzbekistan completed a 6,500km journey to Berlin by bike to get the autograph of Oliver Kahn, their hero and the Germany reserve goalkeeper. “Our hands and faces were blue at times, it was that cold,” one of them said. Absolutely bonkers.
7. Accident-prone fans are inundating insurance companies with football-related claims in the Netherlands. One family claimed for damage after visitors left furniture stained with face paint and hair dye — all in the national colours. They couldn’t have picked a nicer shade.