READING THIS has been one of the most painful experiences of my life.
Let me explain. I was interviewed on television this week in connection with my job. I thought I had got my points across – but I was uncomfortably aware that I hadn’t appeared as relaxed and fluent as I might.
When I got into the office the next day there was a series of e-mails from people who’d seen me and were, to put at its gentlest, epically unimpressed. They criticised my appearance, demeanour and effectiveness as a communicator. And that was just the first sentence. Some were more than a little blunt. One or two, however, were written with exquisite politeness from people in sympathy with what I was trying to say.
Their suggestions were delicately and thoughtfully put. And those were the most difficult to read. Nothing is worse than being made aware of how badly you have done by someone whose tone is gentle, free of reproach and entirely constructive.
Which is why this book is so painful. On almost every leaf, Blanche Ebbutt lists sins of which I am guilty. In all too many cases I was only dimly aware of my transgressions. Ebbutt warns prospective husbands to avoid certain behaviour, for fear of hurting or letting down their wives. As a husband of six years’ standing, I fondly hoped that most of the strictures could not apply to me – I haven’t been married long enough to become a domestic tyrant. And as a 21st century kinda guy (teenage fan of Maggie, so clearly at home with the concept of women in charge . . .), I had imagined that I was at ease with the right mix of respect and romance required in a modern relationship.
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How wrong I was. An author writing five years before women had the vote displays a far more sophisticated understanding of what a successful relationship requires than I possess. And she places under the microscope a series of faults that I might easily have gone on repeating.
To start with the most trivial. My tendency to slouch, which my wife had once, I think, gently hinted was unbecoming, is, far from a sign that I’m relaxed in company, actually a failure to show her respect, by bothering to make an appropriate effort. The same principle underlies Ebbutt’s injunction not to turn up dressed any old how at social events just because you think the other guests a bit pompous. What I think of as a sign that I’m comfy in my own skin is, in fact, just further proof of a selfish refusal to take into account others’ feelings.
Trivial as these infractions may appear, they matter because they betray an attitude. We all know how, in any relationship, it’s the little things that annoy, from uncapped toothpaste tubes to trousers left on the floor. What’s chilling about Ebbutt’s book is the countless ways in which she charts how a husband can irritate, take for granted, or fail to cherish his wife and the huge number of occasions on which they apply to me.
My advice to any husband is to buy this book. It’s cheaper, and less suspicious, than taking your wife’s best friend out to dinner to ask for advice.
Tips for husbands
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Don’t sulk when things go wrong. If you can’t help being vexed, say so, and get it over.
Don’t say she needn’t stay up for you. You know she can’t sleep until you are safe at home.
Don’t hesitate to mention when you think your wife looks especially nice. Your thinking so can give her no pleasure unless you tell your thought.
Don’t forget to trust your wife in everything – in money matters; in her relations with other men . . . Trust her to the utmost and you will rarely find your trust misplaced.
Don’t call your wife a coward because she is afraid of a spider. Probably in real danger she would be quite as brave as you.
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DONT’S FOR HUSBANDS by Blanche Ebbutt
A. & C. Black, £2.99 each; 80pp each
Buy the book here for the offer price of £2.84 (free p&p)