Wills can cause such rows, arguments and division, splitting families and setting brother against brother. And no, I am not talking about Prince William and Prince Harry.
There always seems to be a lot of trouble caused by wills. My father-in-law worked beside his brother for 40 years in a Carlisle factory but they never spoke. They had fallen out over their grandmother’s will.
The format of the will can also cause problems. Aretha Franklin left hers in her best joined-up writing, but it was deemed not enough. It is supposed to be typed and legally witnessed.
I have done my will loads of times for different reasons, yet I come from a family with no wills.
Neither my father nor my mother left a will, but then they never owned any property or had any savings. I tell a lie. My father did leave something called a War Bond, taken out by his parents during the First World War. When peace came, the Bonds would be redeemed, but they turned out to be useless.
I did my first will in the Sixties when our first child was born. It seemed a sensible thing. Not that we had anything to leave, just a mortgage with 20 years left on it, but we thought if anything happens to us, if we got knocked down by a bus or kidnapped by little men from Mars, somebody needs to look after our dear children. We made our sisters guardians.
When eventually we owned our house, plus a country cottage, some nice paintings, loads of National Savings certs, we thought we should do our wills again.
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Naturally my wife and I left everything to each other. That’s what most people do. There is no inheritance tax to pay when the first person dies, one of the few excellent laws our dopey, short-sighted, idiotic governments have managed to retain for centuries now.
But when the second person dies, there is a huge tax bill. They are not daft.
If you do a will, you can spread around a few goodies and treasures to loved ones or worthy causes.
Everyone should do a will the minute they get married or have children. It makes sense and keeps solicitors off the street. It helps your family and your estate, if you comply with some simple legal procedures, although alas still phrased in incomprehensible legalese.
After my wife died, I updated my will again, leaving my son and daughters to inherit everything and administer my estate. I sold the Lakeland house we’d had for 30 years and gave the proceeds to the children, who bought a seaside cottage in Broadstairs. It is now more than seven years since she died, so they won’t have any capital gains to pay. Clever old me. Lucky old them.
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Then for a couple of years I had a girlfriend. I changed my will to leave her a rather handsome amount if I died first, as she was ten years younger. Then we split.
I rushed to my solicitor and said: “Quick, quick, tear it up, the case has altered”. So that was another will change.
My London house is my biggest asset and I did look into putting it in trust for my children, but it became such a faff, needing lawyers and trustees, capital gains to be paid, rent to them if I still lived here. So I gave up. Let them eat bread. Sourdough, of course.
In my present will, which of course might not be the last, I have said I would like one of my children or grandchildren to live in the house when I die. Nothing to do with tax, although I now discover there is an advantage if one of your children inherits your house. It is pure romance. I will die happy if I think one of them is living here, where I have lived so happily for more than 60 years. Our son was actually born here, in the room which is now the kitchen. I delivered him because he arrived early and the midwife was still on her bike.
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I have three nice paintings — a Vanessa Bell, a Beryl Cook and a Lowry drawing, which I want to remain in the family. My three children have agreed between themselves which one they will inherit, which is lucky. I don’t want them squabbling.
One remaining worry is Tortee, our tortoise, now more than 50 years old. What will happen to him? My new ladyfriend says the only thing she wants left to her is my tortoise, as she loves him dearly. But it is unfair to move him at his age, especially having to go on a sea voyage to the Isle of Wight where she lives.
Any charities in my will? Nope, not at the moment. Depends how long I live and how much I will need to live on. I have already given £50,000 to Marie Curie and the same amount to Cumbria Community Foundation. My Beatles lyrics have already gone to the British Library and will stay there forever.
Right, sorted.
All I want to do now is live until I am 90. Just three years to go. I have already decided what I am going to do. Have an earring. Just a dinky little one, nothing flash . . .
