Do you mean us?

ANXIETY SOCIETY

The collective name for the sort of stress puppies who panic about the next pandemic, petrol crisis, locust plague. They are fully Tamiflued up and have stockpiles of tinned beans, bottled water and fruit-replacement pellets. Home resembles a biohazard unit, with all surfaces covered in plastic sheeting, and is regularly decontaminated to eliminate pathogens. A nuclear bunker is under consideration. Serially single, these full-fat fretters have a soft upper lip, suffer from self-diagnosed food intolerances and are prone to analysis addiction. They self-medicate via the internet, swot up on personal development and Landmark’s Curriculum for Living, but are ultimately too distracted by fear to do anything about it.

EXTREME CULINEURS

This affluent alpha male expresses his virility through cooking — it’s all about rhythm, timing and kit. Brought up on a diet of Heston Blumenthal, Jamie Oliver and Gordon Ramsay, he is self-taught in molecular gastronomy and understands the merits of clockwise v anticlockwise bread-kneading. A pro-am (pursues amateur pursuits to professional standards), he has taken Michelin-standard cooking courses to make the ultimate scrambled eggs with truffles, and would travel to Timbuktu if it meant getting the right kind of wild pizza herbs (cf Generation XL: sofa surfers who hoover up fast food, resulting in globesity and chair derrières — very cushioned. They are usually also fugly muffin tops, ie, ugly).

LADULTS

What the Loaded generation has become. He has a career and kids now, but retains his boyishness (“Childlike but not childish,” he insists). Likes to play on his Xbox 360, collects limited-edition Paul Smith robots and cult action figures from Playlounge (which sells “toys for big people”). Reads Philip Pullman, wears Maharishi, carts the kids round in tri-buggies and packs suitcases and car boots as if it’s a game of Tetris. There is a risk of lowered mental age from disco damage during his time as a Notting Pillbilly in the 1980s and 1990s.

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OATs

As in Old-Age Teens: teenagers who are 16 going on 45. They have sophisticated cultural tastes — attending ballroom classes and literary book club — and appreciate art and theatre. They’re not interested in drugs and alcohol, and there’s strictly no sex before marriage. The OAT is a backlash against Mallrats, Tweens, Yuf culture and the Been-ager — all of whom are represented by their parents, who fend off the midlife crisis by smoking pot, wearing hoodies and listening to aggressive hip-hop with parental guidance lyrics (cf the Ritalin generation: college-age ADHD kids, who have been medicated continuously since the age of four and, consequently, know how to mix over-the-counter drugs with pharmaceuticals for all their emotional and physical needs).

GREY GEESE

Aka the Platinum Panthers. Grey Geese are the “new old” generation, blessed with abundant retirement cash and encumbered by neither dependent children nor a mortgage. Before facing the prospect of life’s departure lounge, they spend their time SKIing (spending the kids’ inheritance), often by going flashpacking (backpacking to five-star hotels) to exotic destinations. Diminished responsibility means some end up as Sagalouts; others resettle as Golden Girls: sparkling older women who live together (cf Ripe Fruits: Mrs Robinson types who are wise and savvy, but a bit dried up and wrinkly).

CONSUMANISTS

Aka the Wristband generation. Consumanists combine consumerism with humanist principles. They’re a wealthy bunch who buy etheco (ethical and ecologically sound) products from antipreneurs (who run antiglobalisation businesses) and may even partake in a spot of culture jamming (public criticism of corporate greed, government corruption and so on). There is some crossover with Authentiseekers, who reject the fake, the virtual, the spun and the mass-produced when investing in holidays, food, clothes, music and inner truth (cf Anti-Consumers, who publicise the fact that they won’t buy logoed brands — although this is less Consumanism and more just a fashion statement).

EXURBANITES

Those who have deserted the city for the countryside. This group breaks down into three subgroups. Paradise Corridor Dwellers: new middle-class professionals (sales, PR) who move to market towns on the M1 corridor. They expect city perks (organic food, coffee bars, Pilates, home gyms and wet rooms) in New England-style idylls. Cross-shifters (aka corporate refugees): thirtysomething black-collar workers (media types) determined to live against the corporate grain in ways that are authentic and responsible. Remaining committed urbanists in spirit, these flexecutives set up their flatpack companies and download careers in live/work habitats. Nu-Ruralists: thirtysomething downshifters who decamp to the provinces to declutter and adjust their work/life balance. They aspire to the good life and happily halve their salaries in favour of self-improving jobs.

MARKED GROUCHOS

These fortysomething grumps say it’s a bad time to be a man today. They grumble that women are too dominant, are confused about what women want, don’t like the way women want more from them, think women don’t respect men any more and harrumph that society/media/politics favours women’s interests unfairly. Their glass is, they say, “three-quarters empty and evaporating fast”.

SCRUMMY MUMMIES

She is less selfish than the yummy mummy, and more celebratory of motherhood — but that’s because she maintained her sexuality and stayed in control. Her brand of motherhood is broader, more balanced and interesting — and a backlash against the now unfashionable Dark and Decadent type, such as Kate Moss and Courtney Love, who risk their physical and mental health through lapses of control (cf Fortyfication: fortysomethings who are in control of their sexuality, desires and life. They are energised, physically fit and tricking science for 10 more years of physical health and fertility).