1 In every series of 24 there are at least three potential threats to humanity foiled by Jack Bauer. The length of a film — say two hours — means less than a quarter of a catastrophe dealt with by the time the lights come up.
2 Bauer takes at least an hour to shoot anyone. In a series that means 12 corpses or witnesses nursing wounds. In a movie it’s hardly worthwhile him getting out of bed.
3 In the latest series of 24 two major characters were killed off in the first ten minutes. Name two movie stars prepared to be treated so harshly.
4 Keifer Sutherland should play Bauer. He is Bauer. Tom Cruise would probably get the gig.
5 Bauer can experience happiness only briefly. He can wake up in love and by the commercial break he’s lost his wife, his child and his dog. Movie heroes don’t like that.
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6 Everyone you don’t recognise in the TV series is a baddie. In a movie you would suspect everyone. Exhausting.
7 Everyone you grow to trust and even like gets killed.
8 Elisha Cuthbert will probably play Jack’s daughter Kimberley. She’s young, she’s pretty, she’s got youth appeal, she’s incredibly annoying.
9 All the best minor characters are already dead. Jack killed some of them (Nina Myers, Ryan Chappelle), some of them killed themselves (George Mason).
10 No one in the TV series eats or drinks. Little opportunity for product placement, except of mobile phones.
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11 Little room for humour.Bauer has saved the world at least 15 times over the past four years and told not one single joke.
12 Bauer is a bad role model for children. He tortures people to get what he wants, or shoots their wives in the leg. The young and impressionable might think that it’s OK to shoot people, as long as it’s in the leg.
13 24 is supposedly shot in real time. Tony Almeida was up and about a few hours after being blown up in series five. In a movie that would mean he’d be blown up — and never seen again.
14 All the baddies are foreign (good in Hollywood terms) but the really sly, corrupt characters are American (bad).
15 Half of the action takes place at night and it’s difficult for me to see.
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16 People will notice that it never takes Bauer more than 20 minutes to get anywhere in LA. In real life this just does not happen.
17 Part of the wonder of 24 is discussing each episode afterwards in the pub — a pleasure denied the moviegoer.
18 Bauer might lead the gullible to believe that the way to get what they want is to say “Please” and then, when the impossibility is pointed out, say “Please” again. Life’s not like that.
19 People are always saying “Time to go to work” to each other. It’s depressing.
20 Compressing a series of cliffhangers into a two-hour movie would mean one every 100 seconds. Hearts would not be able to take the stress.
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21 Not to mention no chance for cinemagoers to get a chance to go to the lav.
22 And if you coughed you’d miss something important.
23 And those people who like to explain things to their companions would never shut up.
24 On the bright side, with commercial breaks every ten minutes, the movie could be self-financing.