WhatsApp is fast turning into the late-night, naughty edition of Hansard. While the age-old system of transcribing parliamentary debates records the official droning-on of the chamber, government worker WhatsApp messages give us the grit, the juice, the oh-my-God moments.
Back in March we were treated to a slew of Matt Hancock’s unappetising instant-message thoughts on the pandemic, including that testing for Covid before people were returned to care homes probably wasn’t important. Oh, and that Gavin Williamson thinks that teachers used the lack of PPE as an excuse not to teach. Charming.
And now we have the WhatsApp info-tsunami of the public inquiry into the pandemic response, or at least the messages that have survived: first Boris Johnson claimed to have lost his, then on Monday we learnt that Martin Reynolds, Johnson’s principal private secretary, used the disappearing message function. So what can we learn from it all about how the government conducts itself when no one else is listening? And where have they gone wrong on the etiquette front? Here are the new rules of WhatsApp.
Not everyone will appreciate your amusing nicknames for colleagues
A highlight of sorts for me was the labelling of Rishi Sunak as “Dr Death” by the government adviser Professor Angela McLean over the Eat Out to Help Out scheme. But it does go to show that just because you have thought of an amusing moniker for your ridiculous colleague, it’s not totally wise to render it digitally, for ever. A sidenote: if you use this hilarious nickname once and get a “ha ha” reaction, that’s all you’re getting. Don’t keep on using it, because it looks desperate.
Having said that, there must be a special dispensation for Johnson’s nickname of “shopping trolley” (as in, he was continually veering in and out of control) by the weird sisters Lee Cain, Simon Case and Dominic Cummings. In this instance, the shopping trolley repetition only makes it more amusing, as does Cain’s casual deployment of the shopping trolley emoji.
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It’s not a therapy session
Case, the cabinet secretary, declared in messages that he was “at the end of his tether” with Johnson. “He changes strategic direction every day,” Case complained. “(Monday we were all about fear of virus returning as per Europe, March etc — today we’re in ‘let it rip’ mode cos the UK is pathetic, needs a cold shower etc).” Later he declared, “I cannot cope”, like a tearful millennial. It doesn’t make you want to leap up and sing Land of Hope and Glory, does it? It’s all a bit whiney and finger-pointy. Of course everyone in government is unpredictable and berserk. Isn’t it the cabinet secretary’s job to just deal with it? It’s a bit like a reception teacher complaining that all the four-year-olds keep falling over. Haven’t you seen The Thick of It? I can’t imagine Case’s predecessor, Mark Sedwill, sounding so sorry for himself.
Expect your messages to be leaked
Sedwill is a man, from what we have seen, who knows how to use a WhatsApp message — his all have the air of being written with the expectation of publication. Concerned that Johnson was going to blame the pandemic squarely on him (exactly the sort of thing Johnson would do), Sedwill messaged Reynolds (he of the “bring your own booze” email boob). Sedwill said: “If he [Johnson] is going to try to scapegoat me, he can do so face to face.” This tells us that one, Sedwill wants it on the record that this is something Johnson might do; two, he’s not afraid of confrontation; and three, Johnson is a cowardly dumper-by-text.
But if you use the disappearing function, be prepared for questions
Many of us didn’t even know this even existed, so to find out that Party Marty (Reynolds’s nickname after organising lockdown parties) deployed it was a surprise. Yes, your messages may be hidden, but be prepared for questions from those who suggest it looks shady.
• My Week: the Downing Street Covid WhatsApp group*
Beware the Boris Johnson in every WhatsApp group
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I mean, we haven’t learnt much new about the great hairdo here, have we? Dysfunctional and chaotic, he was either too credulous to understand that his WhatsApps would eventually be made public or just didn’t care (which is worse? I can’t decide).
There is a Johnson in every WhatsApp group. The one who misspells everything accidentally on purpose (look how devil-may-care I am) and posts hair-raising messages to the wrong group.
Don’t send 35 messages when one will do
I bet Johnson also sends long, gnomic declarations, split up into 35 separate missives, so that your phone goes “diddle-ing, diddle-ing, diddle-ing!” like it is possessed, sending you fumbling for the silent switch so your husband doesn’t pluck it from your hands and toss it out of the window.
Is he an obsessive gif user, though? And if so, which ones? Now, these are the questions that really need answering.
