Dear Tanya
Our son has been married for ten years. His wife Katie is an American whose parents divorced when she was seven years old. She was brought up by her father but spent most holidays with her mother and is well-balanced, and happy, and the mother of three delightful children. The problem is that her mother, who is in her early 60s, has no relatives in the US and is destitute, would dearly like to live close to her daughter and grandchildren. She has always been welcome to visit for holidays but these visits are now becoming more frequent and prolonged. This is causing friction between Paul and Katie — potentially putting their marriage at risk.
Fran and Richard
This is complex because there are so many layers. First, do you perceive the marriage to be at risk or have you been told that it is? Is the presence of your daughter-in-law’s mother a problem for you as much as, or more than, it is for Katie and Paul? Have you been asked for advice? And how do you plan to give any feedback in a way that will not potentially increase family tensions?
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I know the questions are blunt but I am concerned that my advice should not increase the problems. Let’s explore the issue of Katie’s mother being “destitute”. This conjures a powerful image of a woman in social isolation and with few resources. Whatever the reasons, for a woman to be destitute at 60 and living far from her daughter must be very difficult.
Is there a way, therefore, that Katie and Paul can support this woman to increase the quality of her life where she lives now? In other words, the excessive visiting is a symptom of a bigger issue that needs to be addressed. Has anyone considered that she may have health or mental health difficulties? Sometimes what is characterised as “needy behaviour” in older adults can be an indicator of early cognitive decline.
On the other hand it may be the case that Katie’s mother is the architect of her own misfortune and, while Katie feels responsible for her, your son, understandably, feels upset that the dynamic of his family gets unsettled by her presence. It might also be difficult for Paul to cope with the emotional investment that Katie has in her mother; he may feel relegated to the second division of Katie’s affections.
I really do feel for your daughter-in-law because I suspect that she must feel responsible for her mother in a way that is difficult for anyone to challenge. I am curious as to why she was brought up by her father — was it because her mother was unable to do the majority of caring or perhaps was deemed less suitable?
Whatever the reason, Katie’s history must leave her in such a conflicted state. I wonder about the little girl who got to spend only the holidays with her mum — thus her mother was the temporary home. To some degree this relationship continues to exist: Katie and her mother spend “holidays” together, it’s what they know and it’s what Katie feels she must do.
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This is an issue so fundamental that I suspect any backlash from your son will drive Katie into a hostile and defensive position. For you, Paul’s parents, I can understand that this makes you concerned but also powerless. Of course, you feel protective of your son and want to do what you can to support him and protect him. However — and I hope that this goes without saying — for you to intervene would be a total disaster.
I suggest that if your son is asking you for advice, that you help him to consider the issues for Katie, and then support him in thinking through ways to tackle this, while acknowledging her feelings of responsibility for her mother.
A strong relationship is one in which couples enable each other to confront their most fundamental issues. For your son gently to support his wife through a potentially painful series of realisations about herself and her mother — issues that go back many, many years — would make him a first-class partner.
One of the most useful things that you could do is to have the grandchildren for a weekend or a half-term to enable Paul and Katie time away from the pressures and stresses of family life. This would allow them to address the issue of Katie’s mother but also to rediscover what it is to be a couple, and how important it is for them to remain one.
If you have a family problem e-mail proftanybyron@the times.co.uk