Dear Tanya Byron: My family are making me depressed

I have got to the point where I am seriously considering leaving home.

Suzie

Maybe you should leave home. I don’t mean literally — there are many ways of withdrawing in order to make others take more responsibility. What you describe sounds like a typical family of adolescents — you are trying to keep everything and everyone together while the others (your husband included) are living their lives in the way that suits them best: selfishly.

Think of your family as a machine in which you are all interconnected parts. Ask yourself how you have contributed to this machine functioning in the way that it does. What is it that you are doing that allows or even facilitates the behaviour of the others?

For many women there is a tension between what they want others to do and what they want to do themselves. For some this can be a control issue — they need to have things done and in the end just get on and do it themselves. It’s a type of over-controlling and multi-tasking freneticism in which others don’t need to play a role because Mum does everything.

To encourage your family to take responsibility, you must step back. With children and teenagers there are a number of ways of making this happen. One approach is the “response cost” or negative punishment method. This means that any negative or unhelpful behaviour reduces the amount you do for them. Cooking their meals, doing their washing and giving them pocket money are all levers that you can use.

Hold a house meeting at which you lay down the rules and together build a family contract — ie, roles, responsibilities, expectations and (if necessary) sanctions. A kind of family credit and debit system. You should allow your children to have a voice so that this becomes a collaborative process. However, the bottom line is that respect and teamwork is what is needed to underpin the family system and, if it’s not there, the dirty washing will pile up, pocket money will be reduced and lifts to friends refused.

Where your husband is concerned, there needs to be a frank exchange of views and an agreed way forward. You need to align your ideas and your voices so that you have joint parental credibility and responsibility.

It would be interesting to explore the gender divisions that you have in your relationship. Does he regard you as the “doer” and himself as the “provider”? Does he actually understand that your concept of support (“roll your sleeves up and parent with me”) is different to his?

I wonder how assertive you are. Message uptake is often determined by message delivery. Your letter conveys a sense of weariness and defeat — does that mean you’re more of a nagging, moaning mum who’s easily ignored, rather than one who commands attention and is listened to? Being assertive underpins the authority that leads to respect. Perhaps the family treat you like a doormat because you behave like one?

This is where you might want to think about taking some time out. Take a few days (or longer) to visit friends and let the family fend for themselves. Your absence will highlight how much you do for them and increase your value and currency. It might make your husband get his act together and work alongside you.

Look at how much time you have for yourself. How much do you invest in your needs? You say that you are depressed. I hope that doesn’t mean clinically, but if you’re feeling tired, unmotivated, tearful and de-energised then do talk to your GP.

However, if this depression stems from feelings of hopelessness and helplessness then I suggest that you make them sit up and take notice. You feel powerless? Take control. You feel ignored? Be heard. You feel taken for granted? Strategically withdraw your input.

You have a right to live your life in a way that makes you feel happy and fulfilled and if your family can’t support you in that, then go away for a while and let them realise what they’ve lost.

If you have a family problem, e-mail proftanyabyron@thetimes.co.uk