Q. My boyfriend and I split up a month ago after two and a half years together, after he kissed somebody else. We were right at the beginning of a period of being 200 miles apart, and he got drunk on a night out and kissed another girl. He didn’t tell me for a week, then pulled the “we need to talk” card and asked me to meet him in another city. This scared the crap out of me — he knows I get anxious and knew I was so scared about what he was going to tell me. I made the decision to break up with him because the cheating and the way he handled it were so painful to me. But I wonder if I made a mistake. We were really happy; he was my first love and supported me through some difficult periods. Since the break-up, he has explained how guilty he felt and apologised profusely. I told him to get a therapist and sort himself out. I miss him so much but it’s difficult to know whether being together again would just cause us more pain. Also my best friend might kill me for it.
A. I think it’s really smart to identify that the way your boyfriend told you about his infidelity might be as much of a betrayal as the act itself. What was he thinking?! “We need to talk” and a meeting in a city where neither of you lives?! That news BETTER be f***ing enormous. I keep thinking about your journey to meet him, with only your imagination for company, thinking about what revelation was waiting for you on the other side. The fact it wasn’t to tell you that he’s a superhero/vampire/time traveller is a gross failing on his part.
There are a few false beliefs you’ve stated in your letter that I want to address. The first is the importance of staying with someone because they’re your first love. This is not a reason to stay in a relationship. I know the pull to him feels very strong, but that feeling may not necessarily be love. It could be nostalgia, which can be so, so powerful, but can’t keep a relationship together without some other adhesives. The other thing you might be feeling is fear — of being on your own, of being without him, or of looking for another partner. This might make you want to bury back into the familiarity of your relationship for comfort rather than because it’s the right relationship; one that’s growing and developing just as you both are.
You also can’t be with someone as an act of gratitude for staying with you during difficult times. That’s the nature of a relationship — it should provide a support system when things get rough. There will be more hard times ahead for both of you, and while the thought of going through them without each other must be daunting, again, that’s not enough of a reason to stay together. And, on the flipside, the other false belief I want to discuss for a moment is that you have to make decisions about relationships to please your best friend. Bad idea. You should take your best friend’s advice seriously for sure. But if you know that you want to give your ex a second chance, that you can make each other truly happy, then it doesn’t matter if you’ve spent the past two months slagging him off to her. That’s fine. She can deal with that. That’s what women do for each other. We are baseline always annoyed at our best friends’ boyfriends for not being perfect angels, we seize any opportunity to bitch about them, we let our friends rant and rant and rant and then we also let them go back to them and we don’t give them too much grief about it because we think our best friends are perfect angels who are free to make their own decisions. We are freaks. I love us.
From your letter, what feels like a more important factor to consider is whether you want to rebuild a relationship with someone who has been unfaithful and who has just moved 200 miles away. Long distance is hard at the best of times. Will you be able to properly forgive him and trust him when you can’t see him all the time? Be honest with yourself about whether this is something you want to try. Because it’s not fair to take him back under the pretence of a fresh start and then punish him because of his past mistake.
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If he has taken your advice and is in therapy, that’s a hugely positive sign. Sometimes these moments of conflict or disconnection can be the best thing for a relationship — an opportunity to learn about what you both want; to say everything you’ve ever wanted to say in the spirit of starting again from ground zero. A chance to learn how to communicate in a way that serves the relationship authentically and efficiently, while still being sensitive to each other’s needs. Only you know which decision is right. But whichever you choose, both are going to take some serious commitment.
To get your life dilemma answered by Dolly, email or send a voice note to deardolly@sundaytimes.co.uk or DM @theststyle
