Q. My partner and I have been together for six years. I first met his parents during the pandemic and I fell in love with their intelligence, success, sense of humour and overall happiness. They have the perfect little nuclear family, something I always craved growing up. I have developed a close friendship with them, especially his sister. But I find myself reassessing my feelings for him and realising that I may have fallen out of love. The thought of leaving him is scary, mainly because I fear losing the close connection I have developed with his family, which I am not yet prepared to let go of. I have recently turned 32 and am finding myself craving change, but also feel a mix of nostalgia and apprehension about reclaiming my independence.
A. There’s this new thing I’m saying as advice to others, as well as myself, that I know must be extremely annoying. “It’s all information” — by which I mean that every experience where you find yourself unsatisfied is an opportunity to learn about what it is you really do want. I would say that your dilemma is an example of this — you’re unsure of whether the partner you are with is right in the long term, but what you know is that you want to be a part of a family like his.
But the other thing to remember is that you can’t choose your family. And that includes in-laws. You can choose your partner, but you can’t choose his family. And you certainly can’t stay with someone just because you enjoy the company of his relatives. So, actually, the real information you can extract from this experience is that one day you want to create a unit that emulates this man’s family. And the way that you do that isn’t by automatically going out with someone who comes from a loving, vibrant family — it’s by inquiring into who would be the best partner with whom to create this kind of home.
Does he feel like an intellectual equal? Is he curious, ambitious and optimistic? Is he loving? Does he want to have children and is he realistic about what equal co-parenting requires? If he is all these things, I wonder if it is worth assessing whether you have fallen out of love with him or whether you’ve fallen out of love with life. Being with someone from your mid-twenties to early-thirties spans three big life phases and periods of potentially enormous inner change. You talk about wanting to reclaim your independence and I wonder if this is something you could explore within your relationship first. Could you spend more time on your own — working, travelling or doing things that make you happy? Could you go on adventures, either separately or together, and see if that re-energises you and your relationship?
This may be a bad suggestion. You may already know that this relationship has not got much of a future. You may have already checked out. In which case, ignore the above. If you want to break up with him, for now you only need to focus on breaking up with him. Put the family out of your mind. The thought and respect need to go first into ending your relationship with him, then later you can think about how to manage your relationship with his siblings and parents and the appropriate conversations to have with them. If you’re all as close as you say you are, they will want you to be happy, even if they are at first upset to lose you and concerned for their son.
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And, you may not be able to imagine this, but if you do break up with him, there is also a chance that you’ll get to retain a friendship with his sister. It will take a period of adjusting — and there will have to be rules (eg no information-hunting, or flaunting, hoping it will get back to him; no asking anyone to be on any side). But with sensitivity and care, you may be able to all get through it.
Four years after I broke up with my university boyfriend, I was a bridesmaid at his sister’s wedding. She remains one of my best friends. I’m sure that was annoying for him. Sorry to him, if he’s reading this. And sorry to all my ex-boyfriends whose friends or relatives I held on to long after our break- up. I concede: that would have annoyed me if I had been you. I hope you’re fine with it now.
But there are also lots of people I haven’t been able to take with me. Lots of parents and grandparents and siblings and best friends and girlfriends of the best friends of the person I briefly shared a piece of life with. I still think about them and miss them, but I respect that they felt their loyalty to their loved one required them to lose contact with me. This may happen to you, and it will be sad, but it is a sadness that you will be able to live with. Alongside a gratitude that they welcomed you into the kind of home you wish you’d had growing up. It’s all information. And, whoever you end up with, one day you’ll accept your children’s partners with the warmth that they showed you.
To get your life dilemma answered by Dolly, email or send a voice note to deardolly@sundaytimes.co.uk or DM @theststyle
