Prime minister’s questions really should be replaced by an automated answering system. A real one, I mean, not Theresa May. “Press 1 for a repeat of last week’s answers on health, 2 if you want the usual routine on education, 3 for sitting on defence . . . ” Jeremy Corbyn went on health yesterday and the foreign secretary’s demands that the NHS get more money. Aneurin Boris had found somewhere else to be.
He would have known, though, what Mrs May would say. We all knew. The Tories are spending more on the NHS, more than Labour planned to spend in 2015, people always get ill in winter, it is worse in Wales and something rude about John McDonnell. Same old lines.
No one could accuse David Davis, who was up before the Brexit committee, of being predictable. The Brexit secretary often seems to surprise even himself. Perhaps the gum he assiduously works on comes from Honeydukes, the sweetshop near Hogwarts. A magic gum that forces the chewer to say the first thing that enters his head, no matter how clueless it makes him sound.
Question 1: will there be a draft legal text on the first stage of Brexit talks? “Hmm, interesting,” Mr Davis replied, chewing furiously. “I hadn’t thought of that. Why not!”
Hilary Benn then asked if he would produce a paper on the impact on the financial services sector. Chew, chew. “I suspect so,” Mr Davis said, as if this were the first time he had also considered this. “You suspect?” a surprised Mr Benn said. “Senior City figures are expecting one.” Chew, chew, chew. “Yeah, we’ll see.”
Advertisement
Then he was reminded of a piece he had written in July 2016 about the importance of getting a trade deal arranged in two years. Eighteen months have passed and we haven’t started. Mr Davis lounged back, his jaws working hard. “What date did I write that? That was before I was a minister.” A whole two days before, in fact. “That was then, this is now,” he added, laughing merrily.
Jacob Rees-Mogg said Britain would become a “vassal state” during the two-year implementation period after the formal leave date if we continued to abide by EU rules and pay into the budget. Mr Davis had another chew and gave a “nudge, nudge, you can trust Honest Dave” reply. The Mogg was not impressed. “This is a big shift in policy,” he protested. It sounds like two more years under the Brussels yoke.
Would we have to accept, for instance, new EU rules during these two years? “Ah, that’s interesting,” Mr Davis said. Chew, chew. “On average, it takes 22 months for the EU to pass a new regulation.” Ergo, they won’t affect us. “A rather weak answer,” The Mogg suggested.
The one thing he could concede happening by the end of March 2019 was “freedom from sincere co-operation”. Why, The Mogg said, couldn’t we just be insincere now and get on with leaving? Mr Davis chewed some more. “Insincerity,” he explained, “is not government policy.” As Sir Humphrey Appleby would mutter sotto voce: “No, just government practice.”