Research on the How Do Men and Women Relate front is cracking on — there’s so much more we need to know — and now the University of Queensland has crushed the commonly held belief that women are attracted to men who make them laugh. Apparently being funny doesn’t make a difference, which means that laughing a woman into bed is officially a myth.
This is an alarming development. Next they’ll be telling us that women are not, as previously assumed, particularly taken with good manners, neat bums, nice hands and fresh breath. It’s the first step on a slippery slope that leads to men veering off the path of good attractive practice and ends up who knows where. So for pity’s sake — certainly for women’s sake — let’s pause. All respect to the scientists, but we can save you a lot of time and money: this is what women find attractive in men … and some of what they don’t.
Do make us laugh
Definitely. To be clear we’re not talking about thigh-slapping, tonsil-baring hooting. We don’t require Jim Carrey-style antics, jokes involving props or hilarious off-the-cuff impersonations, and we concede that the scientists have a point here — prepared humour is a turn-off, and too much funny is like a firewall — but of course we love funny men. Funny men as in men with a good sense of humour who can laugh at themselves (v important) and who are, above all, a bit silly.
• The lies men tell themselves
Very often the moment a woman knows that she is mad about a man is when he happily puts on the spacesuit she bought for him on Amazon for £14.99, in which he looks like Woody Allen in the sperm scene in Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex, and heads off to the party murmuring, “I’m quite hot in this already.” And not only can you definitely funny us into bed, you can GSOH us into the best possible mood once we’re there. The chap who stumbles getting out of his jeans, becomes trapped between the bed and the wall and finds it hilarious, or the one who is waiting, oiled up on the waterbed with a half-smile and a pair of handcuffs? No contest. This, by the way, should it occur, will have us snorting, but not in the right way.
Advertisement
Good in bed
Tell you what is a myth, Queensland research team: the good-in-bed myth. We would go so far as to say that if a man thinks he’s good in bed, or acquires the rep of being good in bed, or was once told by a girl on holiday with barely any English that he was good in bed (did she, on reflection, say “wooden bed”?), he’s guaranteed to be the opposite of what we want in bed. What he’ll be is the sort who occasionally gives his tensed biceps a sly appreciative glance and checks that his stomach is pulled in. He’ll be very keen on positions (we’d rather save all that for yoga) and proof of stamina (oof), and should you have a bit of a chuckle during some awkward manoeuvring (fairly common), he will not see the funny side. Men who take sex very seriously are bottom of our sexy list, along with men who can’t be bothered.
Very interested in us
On the subject of “can’t be bothered”, what women really like is a man who we know fancies us and who we know, because we’ve tested it, will fancy us pretty much whatever happens. In sickness and in health and when we have decided to economise on body hair maintenance and grooming in general; when we throw up in the footwell of the car after a very late night; when we have allergy eyes and a boil and eyelash alopecia and we’ve developed a waddle from eating too much on holiday; when we get into a huge fight with the guests at dinner, then suddenly can’t remember what we were saying; when we were in charge of the passports and discover, at check-in, that they’re on the kitchen table and so on. What we find very attractive in men is them leading us to believe that they would be up for it at the drop of a hat, we only have to say the word, then being extremely good-natured if we don’t happen to say the word for weeks on end. What we find really attractive is knowing that we can mess up badly and it probably won’t put them off.
Liking women
Sulky broody chap who only has eyes for us and has zero interest in other women — ha ha, no thank you. Likewise the good-looking and interesting chap who visibly dials it down when in the presence of women who are not in his league or old people (no point wasting the magic on this audience) is not interesting to us. We like charming and flirty (not leery) and making an effort with pretty much everyone.
• My midlife misadventures on the raunchy dating app
Nice manners
Obviously we much prefer a man with decent manners. Things have moved on a bit here, mind you, and we can do without the extreme good manners. Walking on the road side of the pavement, pulling out our chair, rushing round to open the car door, leaping aside to let us pass through the door first (sigh) — all this went out circa Princess Margaret’s marriage to Tony Armstrong-Jones.
Advertisement
Nevertheless, manners still work. If a man reaches for the bottle, fills his own glass, then as an afterthought (perhaps hearing his mother’s voice) fills ours, or just plonks it back in front of him, it is a very small turn-off. Likewise food-gobbling with no looking to left or right: very unattractive. Gets himself a coffee, no idea if we want one, same. And the door etiquette is interesting because if a man pushes ahead of us, even if it shouldn’t matter in this day and age, it does set off the tiniest, barely audible alarm bell. It’s a bit Donald Trump arriving at the White House for the first time, abandoning Melania and striding off to meet the Obamas. How do you tell He’s Just Not That Into You? When he can’t help forgetting you’re there.
Movers (on the dancefloor)
It is really nice if a man is a good dancer — not that we’re getting many opportunities to see them in action these days — but it’s not so much the Jagger moves that count as it is the showing of enthusiasm. What’s attractive is the bloke who leaps up and drags us on to the dancefloor because he really wants to dance, and if he doesn’t dance like he’s trying to stay on a wiggly surfboard so much the better.
Talkers
There are men, some of them quite nice and physically appealing, who just can’t get past the “suitable things to talk about” barrier. They will bridle if we start to tell them about our embarrassing incident involving the shower and the builder; they will lose patience if we get on to the subject of Mott the Hoople; they will glaze over if we try to explain why the baby flamingos in the rain in David Attenborough were so upsetting (the mothers can’t help them!); and they’re really only happy when talking about Ulez, flooding, politics, farmers, Elon Musk and property prices. We find men attractive on a sliding scale dependent on what they are prepared to talk about, including our hair (worse or better) and what voice the dog would have if it could talk.
• Losers, love cheats and conmen: my online dating horror show
Hair preservers
It starts to rain, the man we are with races as if under fire to the shelter of an awning because he’s worried his hair will go all frizzy. No no. Likewise trying not to look irritated, but not succeeding, when a dog jumps up and muddies his fresh-on jeans. Bad look. The amount of vanity a woman tolerates in a man will vary, but most of us draw the line at the bloke who hesitates to get his hands dirty. Get up to your armpits in the mud and the brambles and save my dog, I don’t care if it rips your Carhartt gilet! (A stranger did just this for me the other day — with a smile and a wave and a “glad I could help” — and reader, if I wasn’t happily married that would have been it.) Effort plus kindness plus a “no problem” attitude. Phwoar.
Looking good in jeans
Advertisement
That’s it, really. Nice bum. Good legs. Hands that aren’t paws, ideally. But if they’re funny, there’s still hope.
