D is for daughters in law

Of all family relationships, that between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law seems the most fraught. All too often initial feelings of mutual suspicion are confirmed.

The chat rooms of mums’ websites are clogged with rants about “the MiL from Hell” or “MiL totally out of order”, and mothers-in-law, for their part, complain about daughters-in-law who turn their sons against them or deny them access to their grandchildren. Some actually fear their daughters-in-law. What is going on? Women don’t get to choose their daughters-in-law, so it is natural if they are wary of each other at first. The one thing they have in common is that they love the same man, so it’s not surprising if both parties are a little jealous.

The mother-in-law thinks: “She’s not good enough for my darling boy”; or “I don’t know what he sees in her”; or “She’s not looking after him properly.” The daughter-in-law thinks: “She wants him to stay mummy’s boy for ever”; or “She thinks I don’t know how to keep my own house clean”; or “Who does she think she is, telling me how to bring up my children?” When a daughter-in-law appears hostile to her mother- in-law it may conceal a lack of confidence. She is a sensitive creature, with antennae poised to detect any hint of criticism from her partner’s family, especially from his mother, and likely to interpret an offer to do the ironing or to wash up as a slur on her housekeeping. If her house is a mess, she may blame her mother-in-law, whose son doesn’t pull his weight with the domestic chores because his mother always cleaned up after him at home — and he expects his wife to do the same. Her mother-in-law, she feels, should understand that things have changed.