The publication of the yearly Palace accounts has prompted the usual speculation over spending habits of the Royal Family. As ever, the main bone of contention is travel. The Queen is relatively frugal in this matter, although she has been known to mobilise the Royal Train to go the few miles from London to Epsom for the Derby. The worst offender this time is the Prince of Wales, whose world trip this year cost almost £300,000.
One might reasonably point out that if one takes the decision to run a Bentley, trying to save money on petrol is a little pointless. Nevertheless, given that ours is a “value-for-money monarchy” and one that welcomes innovative schemes, we respectfully submit ideas to maximise returns further.
1. Avoid charter costs by owning One’s own airline. Airs and Graces Airways (“No one takes you higher”) would serve pink gins in First-in-line-to-the-throne Class and provide a return to the fold for that most troubled of One’s subjects, Paul Burrell, whose outgoing temperament is ideally suited to the role of cabin service director.
2. Capitalise on Prince William’s charm by making him the star of a royal spin-off of the US TV show The Bachelor, in which ladies of breeding vie for his affection. Maximise returns by getting Uncle Edward to produce it.
3. Exploit Prince Charles’s love of architecture by making him the host of Even Grander Designs and get crumbling Crown estates restored at cost.
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4. Finally, make the most of the Duke of Edinburgh’s talent for plain speaking by organising a lecture tour. If Cherie Blair can do it after eight years in the “ goldfish bowl”, imagine the possibilities after some six decades.