In the States I’m an aficionado of “inns”. I’ve stayed at Cozy Inns, Comfort Inns, Quality Inns, Budget Inns, Econo Inns, and even Save A Buck Inns. All had two things in common: they were cheap and they were large - usually with a couple of double beds big enough for newly wed sumo wrestlers thrown in.
Then I stayed at the Cozy Inn in Essex, near Stansted Airport. It was a slightly different experience.
The Cozy is in Little Hallingbury village. I discovered the hotel online and thought “why not”. I had an early flight and couldn’t bring myself to fork out £170 for the Radisson SAS or £100 for a Holiday Inn.
I called and bagged a room for £55. Even better, a driver would collect me from the station and take me to the airport in the morning: all part of the service, sir.
But that was where things went wrong. At the station, a 20-minute wait in the cold - next to a mumbling tramp on a bench - became 45 minutes. “Sorry, the traffic,” said the driver when he finally arrived.
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The “inn” was a nine-room bungalow; down a dark lane that lit up every 90 seconds when a plane roared by. Too late now, I thought, going to my room, where several surprises were in store: it was tiny, freezing, had no bathroom, and a golden labrador was panting and wagging its tail, paws pressed to the window ledge outside.
I waved at the dog, turned on the radiator and went to reception. There the Polish receptionist told me that the small print on the hotel website mentioned the bathroom, and the dog belonged to the owner.
There was no food, so I walked for five minutes - enough time for three aircraft to fly overhead - to the George, a quaint pub with exposed beams and Thai curries. I ate up, contemplating Cozy, while listening to a pub bore discussing what might have happened had Hitler invaded Britain.
Then I tried to sleep. This was difficult. The mattress springs felt like coathangers. Light poured through a panel above the door. A noisy couple - the woman sounding remarkably like Janet Street-Porter - passed my door as I was about to drop off.
On the way to the airport an Irish chap who shared the car sang the praises of Cozy - “It’s a bargain!” All I can say is, it was more than I bargained for.
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Bottom line Mystery Guest paid £55 for a double B&B
What we think Cosy’s not the word
Sampling the fare OK curry at the George
Best thing Its eccentricity
Worst thing No bathroom
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Need to know Cozy Inn (08000 434190, www.cozyinn.co.uk), Dell Lane, Little Hallingbury, Essex CM22 7SH.
Room 3.5 out of 10
Service 6 out of 10
Value 6 out of 10
Score 5.16
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Put to the test: 20 Mystery Guest questions for Cozy Inn...
1 Do rooms have kettles/coffee makers? And is there fresh milk?
No
2 Is there a hairdryer, and is it fixed to a wall?
Yes
3 Are coathangers metal, wooden, removable?
Wooden removable hangers
4 Complimentary bottle of water?
No, but there is a water dispenser in the lobby
5 Sheets and blankets or duvets?
Duvets
6 What about a ‘pillow menu’?
Non-feather pillows are available in one room
7 Is lighting good enough for reading?
Just
8 Is there a shaving/make up mirror? And is it well lit?
In the four ensuite rooms there are shaving mirrors
9 What about the in-room entertainment system?
There is satellite television and a radio alarm
10 Is there a temperature control panel?
Not in Mystery Guest’s room, but apparently there are controls in other rooms
11 Do the windows open?
Yes
12 Is there good sound-proofing?
Mystery Guest found that noise from the hallway was easy to hear and there was a regular rumble of aircraft going to Stansted
13 Is there WiFi access in the room/lobby?
Free wireless in rooms. There is also use of telephones that allow free calls anywhere in Europe, the US and Australia
14 Is there a good place to go jogging nearby? Or a gym?
Plenty of countryside to jog in. No gym
15 What is the vegetarian food selection like?
Simple continental breakfasts. No evening meals
16 Is there baby listening/babysitting? And are children welcome at adults’ evening meals?
There is a “baby bed” and toys for children
17 Is there wheelchair access to all areas?
Yes
18 Do you get a free paper in the morning?
Only in the breakfast room
19 Is there a pub round the corner?
Yes, it’s a five minute walk to The George
20 Is there free car parking? And is it secure?
Yes, you can park for free for up to a week