French Open
Today, 9.30am, Eurosport
Or the warm-up for Wimbledon, as we Brits like to call it. The hardest grand slam to win, if only because you have to spend two weeks playing out interminable rallies with red socks and dealing with French waiters.
The Derby
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Today, 12.50pm, BBC One
Why do rich people insist on giving horses such rubbish names? Camelot is the odds-on favourite and is up against luminaries such as Thought Worthy and Minimise Risk. Not a single Dobbin or Black Beauty in sight.
England v Belgium
Today, 4.30pm, ITV1
Retirements and injuries mean that the tea lady will be playing up front, with the kit man shoring up the back four. Most supporters have greeted the new dawn by turning over and going back to sleep, so, yes, that is Andy Carroll.
You Cannot Be Serious
Today, 7.30pm, ITV1
A new impressionist show with Alistair McGowan skewers the world of sport, although we thought that Joey Barton had already done that and thus taken it beyond satire. Will his Roy Hodgson spark outcry? How do you play Andy Murray for laughs?
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Brazil v Mexico
Tomorrow, 8pm, ESPN
Neither of these teams are playing in Euro 2012, but if you like a bit of flair and glitz to go with your Poland and Ukraine, then samba on your sofa and remember that, after Cracow and Kiev, football’s off to Rio. Hurrah.