We see girl power among golden hamsters, hyenas and many types of fish. Indeed, Mrs Stickleback will shag her mate and then it's "Wham, bam, thank you man" as she immediately rushes off to find a new sexual partner, leaving the first to look after her eggs. We see the same sort of thing in Newcastle on a Saturday night.
Jo Brand. Dawn French. Victoria Wood. Notice anything they have in common? They're all much funnier than Scarlett Johansson, Keira Knightley and Uma Thurman. At dinner parties I look around at the yummy mummies in their short skirts and their flirty tops. And I hope and pray that I will end up sitting next to the fat bird because that way there's at least a chance that I'll have a laugh.
Getting dressed in the morning is something that should never take [a woman] more than 20 seconds and putting on a pair of stockings and suspenders can take anything up to three hours. Actually this is only a guess, based on how long it takes me to undo a suspender belt.
[On going to Iraq with AA Gill] Adrian's girlfriend made him write a will. My wife, having discovered the insurance would only pay up if I were killed, not if I died of a heart attack, called Adrian with some very specific instructions. "If he starts to go a bit blue, shoot him," she said.
[On Kristin Scott Thomas] I have some donkeys. The small one that looks like a cow is called Eddie. The beautiful one is called Kristin Scott Donkey.
Advertisement
Human females like to drive massive four-wheel-drive cars; it suits their need to kill as many other road users as possible, damage other people's property, and if you believe David Cameron in his fair-trade trainers, destroy the whole world as well.
[City centre pubs are] where men go to meet girls, not realising that all girls in city centre pubs have thighs like tug boats and morals that would surprise a zoo animal.
Everyone can navigate by instinct, and if you can't there's something wrong with you and you should be in prison. The only people who can't navigate instinctively are women, and anyone trying to find Malpensa airport in Milan.