Last week, reports came through of a dead tiger being found in a freezer in Coventry. During a raid on a house, police apparently discovered the remains of the endangered species in a chest freezer, in an outhouse. Alongside the tiger were turtles, a monkey, the remains of a chimpanzee, a baby seal, lemurs, buzzards, owls and a penguin. It was as if the cast of Madagascar had, during a party, played a game of Sardines, with extremely unfortunate consequences.
Alan Dudley – 52 – has been charged with ten offences relating to the trade of endangered animals. The world, meanwhile, has been charged with trying to work out just what happened here, and what it all means. On the one hand, it’s an inescapably bad day for animal lovers the world over. Proud tiger! Sexy, ginger ninja of the forest. Now, sadly, bagged up in Ziplocs and wedged next to a Mint Choc Chip Viennetta, all within hailing distance of the M1.
But then, on the other hand, there are now men in Coventry who can allegedly get their hands on half an Ark, with what appears to be minimal effort. Booyakasha, capitalism! Big-up the global market! How have you done it? David Attenborough’s done whole series where he’s failed to get anywhere near a tiger. Is it now possible that some bloke in Coventry just typed “DEAD TIGER (price: lowest first)” into his computer, and had one in his freezer by the weekend? In your FACE, Virginia McKenna! Next time, JUST GOOGLE “LIONS”.
While we wait for the case to go to trial – in July – it gives us all a moment for pause, and reflection. For let’s face it – there, but for the grace of God, go us all. We’ve all got stuff we shouldn’t have in our fridges and freezers. We’ve all got stuff we don’t even know about in our freezers and fridges. For all most of us know, there could be the last pink dolphin of the Yangtze River in there, by some burgers that have been there so long that they’re not really foodstuff any more – just frost-pucks, which smell vaguely of beef.
For the fridge and the freezer are not merely physical locations – but mental ones, as well. When we put stuff in the fridge, it’s a problem delayed. When we put stuff in the freezer, it’s a problem infinitely put on hold. Some of the stupidest decisions we make on a day-to-day basis relate to our chilling facilities. We don’t think when we use them. At all. Humans are putting things far more stupid and incongruous than owls in their fridges.
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Ketchup, for instance. In a world where universal education has lifted the base knowledge of all, there should be, both literally and figuratively, no place in the fridge for ketchup. Because ketchup is a PRESERVE. It’s PRESERVED. Its name means “NO FRIDGEY” in Latin. It’s the end result of THOUSANDS of years of cuisine working hand-in-hand with science to create the ALCHEMY of our best-loved condiment.
Mr Heinz DIED in order that ketchup might live on a shelf, for ever, without once needing recourse to white electrical goods. And until the last generation, we knew all this. You don’t need to tell your nan where to keep the ketchup. It’s on the shelf, in her pantry, or – more correctly – on the table, permanently; even on Christmas Day, or during wallpapering. There are tomato-shaped ketchup-dispensers in cafés in Powys and Barnsley which have sat out in sunlight since before the Second World War – just as they are meant to. Along with all the other members of the PRESERVE family: marmalade, jam, pickles and squash. If you are putting these in your fridge, you might as well keep your salt, vinegar and formaldehyde in there, too, “just in case”.
Obviously, refrigerated ketchup is just the thin end of the wedge. I’ve watched people put onions and potatoes in their salad drawers. ONIONS AND POTATOES. Next to the frilly lettuce and raspberries. It’s like seeing Wayne Rooney and a caveman wandering around a lingerie department. Do you know the best place to store onions and potatoes? IN THE 18TH CENTURY. That’s what they’re used to.
Likewise, honey. Honey has no need for Zanussi. Honey can stand on its own two feet. You never see a swarm of bees sadly evacuating their hive, feet covered in mould, with the queen shouting, “RUN! RUN! The hive has GONE OFF!” Ketchup, pumpkins, peanut butter – we need to stop feeling sorry for these foodstuffs. They don’t need the pity of two degrees. They’re all managing without it.
I mean, I’ve seen people store mustard in a fridge. MUSTARD! My God. It’s one of the most potent substances on Earth. The Germans killed people with it in the First World War! You really don’t need to use electricity to keep it alive, like Frankenstein’s monster.
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Here’s what goes in a fridge: anything we stole from a mammal (milk; its ribs). Nail varnish. Booze. Anything else needs to MAN UP AND LIVE ON A SHELF.