It’s time. You’ve fallen head over heels in love, and the moment has come to make the relationship permanent. You’re going to buy a chalet in a ski resort.
But which resort? There are hundreds, and you lie awake at night worrying that if you pick one that’s unfashionable/ boring/flat/geeky, nobody you know will come when you casually drop the invitation to your first New Year’s Eve party. Imagine. It’d be worse than having someone discover a Marks & Spencer label in your clothing. Or finding out that you still have nightmares about falling off the ski lift.
Fear not — we’ve made the process simple. Check out the questions in our quiz and pick the answers that most closely apply to you. Then let our explanation of the results guide you to your perfect (second) home.
1 The ski season is approaching. Who’s on the list to come on the next trip?
a Binky, Lala, Bea, Charlie, Hugo, the Bash-Joneses from Shropshire, and two of your mates from the bank.
b Ekaterina and the children, Granny and Grandpa, your lawyer, your bodyguard and two nieces (who aren’t actually your nieces, and are staying in a discreet hotel on the other side of the resort).
c The guys you met last year heli-skiing on the Kamchatka peninsula.
d There’s a whole crowd. Pierre’s polo team and the Wags, obviously, but you’ve heard the Schnitzels from Schloss Umlaut will be there, too. You haven’t seen Otto since business school!
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2 What time of the year are you going?
a Early March. Binky used to be a chalet girl, and the owner of the company is still drooling over her. She gets an extra discount from him in the quiet weeks of the season.
b Ten days over new year and the Russian Orthodox Christmas.
c Next weekend. Craig’s been studying the weather charts and reckons there’ll be a huge dump. You’ll have to skip your sister’s wedding, but you’re pretty sure your stepfather will step in and give her away at the altar.
d New year. Isn’t that when everyone goes?
3 What will you be wearing?
a The boys have all got hold of old Bogner one-piece ski suits and neon pink wigs. It’s going to be hilarious.
b You’ll be in Kjus. Ekaterina likes Fendi. Your “nieces” will be in their underwear.
c Gore-Tex. And the smell of 100 sweaty days of skiing.
d Moncler. Hermès. Fur. Fillers.
4 Favourite food in a ski resort
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a The cake they serve in the chalet at teatime.
b Roast chicken, just like your mother used to make.
c A squashed cheese and ham baguette from the bottom of your rucksack.
d Anything that tastes of Michelin stars.
5 Favourite drinks
a Toffee vodka.
b Vodka vodka.
c Water from your CamelBak rucksack.
d Perrier-Jouët Belle Epoque 2007.
6 Best time of the day?
a Dancing on the tables at La Folie Douce at 4pm.
b When Dmitri from Gazprom sees you order an eye-wateringly expensive jeroboam of Krug at lunch, and comes to say “Hi”. You swap business cards.
c Putting the skins on your touring skis at the start of a two-hour hike.
d Lying in bed at 11.30am with one of the chalet staff.
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7 Your fantasy ski resort has...
a All your best friends in it.
b Its own runway.
c No pistes, just powder.
d A Perrier-Jouët ice bar with a really cute Italian DJ, branches of Gucci and Hermès, and, far away in the distance, a mountain or two.
8 Favourite gizmo
a The Ski Tracks app, which allows you to compare top skiing speeds, even though one of your mates from the bank breaks his leg trying to reach 60mph.
b Your bodyguard’s hip flask.
c Your avalanche-airbag rucksack.
d Your portable smartphone recharger.
9 Disaster strikes when...
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a You get in from La Folie Douce and Hugo throws up all over the kitchen. The chalet girls walk out and it takes a £200 tip to get them back to cook supper.
b You take Dmitri from Gazprom out to a club and he makes a pass at your favourite “niece”.
c You ski a 40-degree couloir in fresh powder. And realise that the GoPro wasn’t switched on when you did it.
d Someone suggests that you actually go skiing.
10 Skiing is...
a The best holiday of the year.
b A great way to do lucrative business deals.
c Why your wife/husband left you.
d An essential fixture on the calendar. But then so are St Barts, Cape Town, the Hamptons and St Tropez.
What your answers mean
Mostly a
You ski hard, party harder, and never whine if you’re scared. Val d’Isère and Verbier are both made for you, though the patronage of Prince Harry in recent years means Verbier’s social stock is a little higher. For those who can’t stomach the sky-high prices, how about Méribel or Morzine?
Mostly B
Skiing for you is all about showing off, doing business and not looking stupid in front of your allies and rivals. Which makes the king of the smoothies, Courchevel, your kind of place. In fact, if you can’t afford its hair-whitening prices, don’t target another resort — just buy lower down the mountain instead. The suburbs of Courchevel Village (aka Courchevel 1550) will do.
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Mostly C
Chamonix is your natural home, and offers everything from £120,000 flats to £5m chalets. But this big town may not be pure enough for an adrenaline junkie like you. Target hardcore La Grave instead. It has just one marked run on the glacier; everything else is off-piste.
Mostly D
It looks so easy, wafting around the globe to a series of villa parties and private ski-resort firework displays. But you know that if you don’t show up at new year in the right place, chins will wag. So it has to be St Moritz or Gstaad — and thank heavens one of you has a Swiss passport, because buying in either is tricky if you don’t. Villars is the “budget” alternative.