Down. Tiger Woods
This week, the whole world broke into two camps. In “Camp One” was Tiger Woods, the world’s No. 1 golfer, who claimed that last Friday night he crashed his car while reversing out of his drive, and had to be rescued by his wife, who broke a window with a golf club to release him. In “Camp Two” was the rest of the Earth, who did that wobbly-head thing people do on Ricki Lake, and went: “Nuh uh! Nuh uh, Tiger Woods! You didn’t crash when reversing your car out of a drive. Your wife found out you were having an affair, and she came after you with a golf club.” Woods denies this — “These allegations are utterly false and malicious,” he said, all alone, in Camp One — but that doesn’t stop Camp Two from just getting on with a good old gossip. Especially as further details have emerged: Woods reportedly had three mistresses. How do these people manage these things? CW’s got dry-cleaning it’s been meaning to pick up since September. One of these ladies, Jaimee Grubbs, used to appear on a TV show called Tools Academy. Clearly, CW surmises, with raised eyebrows, she graduated from that establishment with honours.
Media commentators have speculated on the damage all this might cause Tiger’s image: his deals with Nike Golf and Buick could be at risk. But the way that CW sees it, Woods has just been involved in an international news incident where a golf club was wanged through the window of a car. It’s hard to think of a way he could have drawn more attention to those products. And look! Here’s his new nickname: Easy Tiger.
Down. Liam Gallagher
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Dispatches from the front line of ridiculously coiffured rock: Liam Gallagher is going to continue his career in rock, but without his older brother Noel. Liam is trying to come up with a name for his new band: “If we don’t come up with something by the time we’re ready to release the album, it’ll be ‘Oasis’.” God bless you, young Master Gallagher, surely you can think of a single name in a ye ... oh. Okay. So, in the spirit of helpfulness, CW has come up with some names for you: Garlic Bread! Dog Remover! Alan Proust and the Prostitutes! Liam and the Not-Liams! F*** Off Noel!
Down. Simon Cowell
Cowell never seems to be out of CW these days, and little wonder: he’s actually taking over the Earth, as the more observant will have noticed before they shiveringly commence the building of their InterGlacto Ark. This week, he announced that he wishes to stage a US-style presidential showdown between Gordon Brown and David Cameron. He elucidated: “Like we have on The X Factor! Down the steps and some music and loads of spotlights. More showbusiness!” Now look, CW likes showbusiness as much as the next person. Indeed, it once killed its sister Corinne’s hamster in a paddling-pool- based re-creation of The Poseidon Adventure. Poor, furry Shelley Winters. But CW thinks that the one thing a Western world in the teeth of a gigantic economic and environmental crisis doesn’t need is “more showbusiness”. TBH, we just want someone who’s very, very good at maths, and keeps reminding us to turn the central heating down.
Up. Sting
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Did you see the Jeremy Paxman/Sting face-off on Newsnight? Ooooh, it was like watching two haughty anteaters squabbling over the last pink wafer in the Fox’s tin. “I’m joined now by the singer known as Sting,” Paxman nostrilled, by way of introduction. There then followed three minutes of mutually antagonistic proboscis-waving over the plight of the Amazon, before Paxman lashed at Sting with his back claw. “Do you ever feel uncomfortable about travelling between your many houses, on various continents, at immense carbon cost?” he mooed. “Do you offset?”
“I’ve demarcated an area of rainforest the size of Belgium,” Sting replied calmly. By and large, CW has found that as soon as you can mention anything you’ve done that is “the size of Belgium”, it’s hard for an opponent to really come back — and so it proved with Paxman. He wrapped the interview 20 seconds later. Pink wafer for Sting. Endov.
Up. P. Diddy
P. Diddy — the entrepreneur, rap mogul and man who Tweeted “I’m at the memorial. Very sad!!! RIP”, during Michael Jackson’s funeral — has taken his career up another level: hosting a two-hour show on America’s Home Shopping Network! Well, a man has to flog his I Am King fragrance somehow. At one point, P. Diddy explained the story behind the fragrance’s name — fairly inevitably, let’s face it, with two hours to pad out, describing what is little more than jumped-up, rap Hai Karate. “If you call yourself King, you are more likely to be treated like that,” he clarified. An almost identical process of reasoning had presumably kicked in around the time that P. Diddy changed his name from Puff Daddy.
Up. Blanche from Corrie
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A television legend passed on this week: Maggie Jones — better known as Blanche from Coronation Street. Jones played Blanche as a proper, old-school, eye-rolling, cat’s-bum-mouthing battleaxe mother-in-law, such as has made this country great. The scriptwriters’ favouritism towards her was obvious — she just got every great line.
When Roy and his transsexual wife Hayley tried to adopt a baby, she nixed the idea with: “He’s a loony, and she’s a man.” Liz McDonald was encapsulated with the warning description of: “Skirt no bigger than a belt, too much eyeliner and roots as dark as her soul.” Deirdre was comforted with: “Good looks are a curse, Deirdre. You and Kenneth should count yourselves lucky.” And, when a family member sought counselling, Blanche came out with what may well be CW’s motto for life: “Support groups? In my day, when something bad happened you’d stay at home, get drunk and bite on a shoe.” As P Diddy would say: “Very sad!!! RIP.”
Down. The Beckham children
“Cor, lummee, I bet it’s great to be one of them Beckham children,” CW will wager you have often sighed, as you drag your coal barge towards Macclesfield. “Private jets. Couture clothing. ‘Uncle’ Tom Cruise popping over with his Thetan-zapping Face-O-Clamp! Yeah — I wish I had me a baby Beckham life.” But hold up there, crushed serf! For, this week, OK! reports on the latest Beckham family trip. And it was to — Yogurtland! CW hopes that this is the beginning of David and Victoria introducing swingeing disappointment and ennui into their children’s lives, and looks forward to visits to Sprouts-tasia, Chessington World of Homework and Peas Knee Land — an amusement park themed around the important work done by peas, and knees.
Down. Katie Price
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Big news — Katie Price appears to have defected from her usual haunt, OK! magazine, to its rival, Hello! This week she appears on the cover, claiming that, contrary to what everyone believes, she does keep some aspects of her life private. “No one, for instance, knows my signature dish or what I like to watch on TV,” Price said, firmly. Is that it, then? Is that all we don’t know? Is that the sum total of Price left for Price alone? What a very tiny grain of soul-sand that is. CW bets that it’s spaghetti bolognese and The Apprentice, anyway.
Down. Katie Price (again)
Oh actually, CW’s just remembered — it does know what Katie Price’s signature dish is! “Roast lamb, done with herbs from my garden and all the trimmings”, Price told CW in an interview with Elle magazine in 2007. CW is still only guessing about The Apprentice, though.