It is 77 days until the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee pageant kicks off in London, and already the souvenir industry is in full swing; which is no surprise when, according to the Centre for Retail Research, last year the industry shifted a massive £222 million-worth of royal wedding memorabilia, from Crown Jewels condoms to “Throne Up” sick bags.
Hoping to pull off a similar coup for the jubilee, but setting their sights at a more mature audience, Britain’s artisans have gone into overdrive to produce the sorts of bone china knick-knacks to please even the most traditional monarchists.
Her Majesty at Balmoral resin sculpture — £49.80 x 5 monthly instalments: It is unlikely that you could slip a paparazzo £250 to smuggle you in to see her “relaxing at Balmoral” in real life — but this beautiful figurine is the next best thing.
Studio Anne Carlton Diamond Jubilee chess set and board — £342 Play your part in history with this “amazing value” (ie, pension obliterating) depiction of the Queen and Prince Philip at the annual Garter Day ceremony at Windsor Castle.
Queen Elizabeth lilac dress lifesize cutout — £29.99 Perfect for a celebratory Jubilee waltz, the only problem is that, at 5ft tall, they’ve shaved four inches off our beloved monarch. Off with their heads.
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Diamond Jubilee knitted Queen and corgis — current eBay price £6.99 Hand-knitted by a monarchist eBay seller — comes complete with tiara and ceremonial sash.
Jubilee bell thimble — £34.95 The top selling item from the Thimble Guild , the UK’s leading supplier of thimbles, is this queenly peep show. Look through the tiny lens that tops its copper bell, and you will see Liz grinning right back at you.
Diamond Jubilee 2012 Queenie silk knickers — £7 If you want to mark 60 years of the Queen’s reign in a “fun, fresh and flirty” way, these knickers have the words “jewel in my crown” sewn into the gusset.
Punk pottery — £69.99 These heart-shaped teapots were created by sexagenarian “punk potters” Tony and Anita Carter from Suffolk.
Yardley Royal Diamond — £9.99 No Jubilee would be complete without a limited-edition fragrance from the official perfumer to the Queen. This “celebration of British elegance and occasion” smells very much like you’d imagine ma’am herself does.