IT’S GETTING positively biblical out there on mainland Europe. Moonscape riverbeds, scorched lakes, burning forests — and now, horror of horrors, a plague of posing pouches swooping down on Mediterranean beaches every way you look, like a swarm of genetically modified bats.
I like to think that I’m not a prude, but along with German loos (please don’t ask, I’m still traumatised by my last encounter with one in 1978) posing pouches — or rather the lack thereof — are one of the things that can still make one proud to be British. Because fortunately, apart from a pestilential outbreak in the 1980s,the posing pouch has been largely banished from these shores. Thanks to the benign spirits of David Beckham and Johnnie Boden, the trend here in macho swimwear has veered in the opposite direction, with men of all ages and sexual allegiances adopting knee-length shorts with lots of exciting-looking but largely pointless ripcords and toggles attached.
Possibly this springs from the same modesty that made us just about the only country where Big Brother contestants did not engage in live sex. Or possibly our menfolk are all wearing Rip Curl-inspired swimming gear because they fondly imagine that it makes them look as if they’re about to ride the seventh wave.
Whatever the explanation, it’s rather sweet. At any rate it must go some way to explaining why, as a nation, we achieved such a shockingly high position in a recent survey of stylish European travellers; second only to the Italians and beating the French. Cath Urquhart, the travel editor of The Times, suggested on the Radio 4 Today programme last Saturday that the proliferation of low-cost flights to Europe was at the root of this unlikely turn of events, since the budget airlines have forced us to pack sensibly for the first time in our lives, leaving behind the sombreros and novelty T-shirts and concentrating on co-ordinated capsule wardrobes.
This is all very plausible and heart-warming. But you still can’t rule out the absence of posing pouches on the British male physique as a major factor. I don’t think anyone really likes them, not even those flashy Latin types. Those wearing them always look just a little too self-conscious; those in the unfortunate position of having to conduct a conversation with someone wearing them never know quite where to address their gaze. The sane inclination is to keep steady eye-level contact, but the sort of people who wear them appear so crestfallen if their diminutive pouches don’t attract an admiring glance that this policy can seem a bit churlish.
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Luckily, given Debrett’s failure to address this tricky issue, the British male — always a sartorial winner, from Beau Brummel to the Duke of Windsor — has found the solution, by just saying no.
Throw in the grotty towel
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Not long ago beach towels were bath towels that had got too frayed for respectable use in the home. And very nasty they looked. Now you’re no one unless your towel has a Louis Vuitton or Pucci label attached to it. At least that’s what Louis Vuitton and Pucci want you to think. While £400 for a bit of towelling is probably one of fashion’s more ludicrous propositions, when you’ve taken trouble over the rest of your kit, it’s pointless settling for grotty beach towels. You can get some nifty strawberry-and pineapple-patterned towels in Woolworths this summer (four for £15.97). They might not be quite as absorbent or enduring as the smarter versions, but they’re very cute, which is 50 per cent of the battle. Whether you go high street (everyone from Topshop to Debenhams has good ones) or high end, go. Manky towels are unacceptable in 2003.
Burning questions about the sun
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No one said that summer was easy. While it ill behoves this page to act as a killjoy, it was a salutary moment last week when we realised that even in the fashion department we weren’t sure of all the facts about sun damage. So here they are:
Q: What, in simple English, is the difference between UVB and UVA?
A: On a typical summer day, UVB comprises 6 per cent of the ultraviolet rays reaching the Earth’s surface; UVA comprises the remaining 94 per cent. UVB contributes approximately 80 per cent towards sunburn and UVA 20 per cent. UVB is more effective than UVA at causing biological damage. UVA causes more than 90 per cent of skin ageing.
Q: Is it counter-productive to wear a chemical-drenched high factor?
A: SPF 15 blocks 93 per cent of erythemal solar radiation; SPF 30 cuts out 96.7 per cent. There is little reason (unless you suffer from a medical hypersensitivity to solar radiation) to use higher than SPF 30. To cut out 100 per cent of erythemal solar radiation would require an SPF 153! In Australia, it is illegal to sell higher than SPF 30 because the Government doesn’t want people lulled into false security.
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Q: Is it better to apply SPF separately or as part of your daily moisturiser?
A: Every moisturiser, unless it is a “natural product”, contains chemicals to prevent the growth of bacteria. These are similar to those used for blocking solar radiation. Therefore, moisturisers provide a low level of protection from UVB. Many moisturisers with added SPFs are expensive marketing exercises that offer no more than a normal, good sun cream.
Q: Why are sun screens so expensive?
A: Greed and the cost of marketing.
Q: Do sun creams lose their efficacy after a while, or is this a marketing ruse?
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A: The shelf life of a sun cream is a long one, provided it has been stored somewhere cool and out of direct sunlight. Most will last for three years.
Q: Why are some products chalky?
A: Properly formulated products will not leave any residue on the skin. Chalky ones are no more effective than others.
Q: How much do I need to apply?
A: For an average adult in a swimming costume, six tablespoons for an all-over body application. The same applies to sprays. Most people never apply enough.
Answers courtesy of Graham Hill, managing director of Delph Sun Care, available through Superdrug, and one of the few sun creams in the UK listed on the Drug Tariff that doctors can prescribe for medical reasons.
How to wear heels on the beach
Finally, it may not be a boot camp, but the beach is a testing time for stiletto-dependent, make-up groupies with a serious codependency thing going on with their hairdressers. But there are one or two products that make the experience bearable. Tamara Mellon has designed 35mm sandal heels for Jimmy Choo (Sigerson Morrison and George at Asda also have them). The Body Shop’s Shimmer + Glow, £10, adds just enough glamorous glow without looking silly, and John Frieda’s Sun Streaks (heat or sun-accelerated highlighter) make you feel as though you’re having a hair treatment while you doze.