I ’m writing this with a cup of tea in front of me. It has sugar in it. I’ve just had a sip and it tastes marvellous. In a minute, I’m going to have some bacon, eggs and very buttery toast. I can’t wait. You see, my wife, Harriet, and I have just finished a Nourishing Cleanse. No caffeine, alcohol, sugar or processed food, just ingredients that are good for your gut health. We’ve stuck to it religiously for three whole … days.
Yes, three days. Pathetic. It’s the new, short, intense detox from the Pure Package. How can that possibly do any good, I wondered. You’d be surprised, it said.
On the first day, a large cooler arrived by courier containing a neat three-day grid of breakfasts, snacks, lunches and dinners. “Each meal has been carefully balanced to support gut health, liver detoxification and metabolism,” said the notes. Whoopee.
We began with a Clean, Green & Extremely Smooth smoothie. It provides the raw, chopped ingredients — in this case, apple, kiwi, cucumber, avocado, spinach, sheep’s yoghurt, coconut water and chia seeds. You blend it up. This is a relief. If you were going from scratch, you’d spend the whole three days chopping and peeling.
After a morning “snack” of lemon and ginger in hot water, we feasted on a sea vegetable-and-tofu miso broth. Now, all these meals are prepared by proper chefs and I’m sure this was as good as sea vegetable-and-tofu miso broth can be, but it’s not enjoyable like, say, a fishfinger sandwich.
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Still, there was always the afternoon “snack” — mint leaves in hot water. Dinner — a “fragrant mushroom and edamame bean curry” came and went and I set off for bed feeling heroically healthy.
a right pain in the back
By mid-morning on day two, after a “very berry smoothie” with more sheep’s yoghurt, the headaches began. I tried snacking on lemon-and-ginger water, then had lunch (more miso, but with broccoli and sea parsley) and, several long hours later, dinner (organic salmon on baby spinach), but the headaches persisted.
“First World problems,” Harriet observed. She also had headaches, but for her they were a sign that the cleanse was working. She liked the fact that it wasn’t a diet. Diets never work. A “cleanse” makes much more sense.
I woke on the final day feeling hungover and achy. I resented the kale-and-parsley smoothie almost as much as the morning snack. Lemon-and-ginger-flavoured water is not a snack. But soon it was dinner time. A banquet of tiger prawn and lemon quinoa risotto. The headache had gone. I felt energetic. Harriet was talking about never drinking coffee again.
That was yesterday. Today, I’m ruining it all. But tomorrow, I’ll find a more moderate balance. The detox is not long enough to make a huge difference, but it’s a kick-start. You wouldn’t want to live like that all the time, but a break from the bad stuff makes you think about the bad stuff. Which is good.
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A Nourishing Cleanse costs £139 from purepackage.com; or try a less intense five-day detox (tea permitted) with bodychef.com, from £90
Health Hacks: How to beat back pain
Supine sleep
Lying flat on your back with your head on a single pillow allows your spinal disks to open, expand and relax over the course of the night.
Gently does it
Gentle stretching is better than jerky stretching, because it reduces the chance of the back muscles going into spasm.
Work standing
Buy a standing desk, and spend an hour a day standing up while you work. You’ll break out of your desk hunch and relax your shoulders.
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Sit and stretch
Improve your flexibility from the comfort of your office chair. Sit in a straddle, lunge or lotus pose to get your muscles moving.
— Georgia Chambers
