Peter Bone has long had a reputation as a bit of a knitwit on the Tory benches, a reputation that was enhanced just after 11am yesterday when the MP for Wellingborough rose and put on a garishly striped woollen hat with earflaps. It made him look like a Chilean Sven-Göran Eriksson. A chullo they call it in the Andes and the more mountainous parts of Northamptonshire. “Is he auditioning for the remake of the film Elf?” asked David Lidington, leader of the Commons.
There was a noble reason for this gaudy headwear. Mr Bone wanted to promote a charity in his constituency called Crazy Hats. “Don’t put it on again,” John Bercow told him. “Preferably at any time. Certainly not in the chamber.” The Speaker, whose ties are famously exotic, wants to be the only peacock in the Commons.
Silly clothing will be on display throughout the land today as it is Christmas Jumper Day, a charity venture for Save the Children and one of the few events to be listed in Labour’s leaked Christmas campaign diary. One assumes that Jeremy Corbyn will be wearing something red and outdated.
The Commons had decided that Thursday would be its daft apparel day. As well as Mr Bone’s chullo, Barry Gardiner, the shadow international trade secretary, was wearing a tie covered in bright pansies. “Love the tie!” shouted Michael Fabricant (C, Lichfield), no wilting wallflower himself.
Mr Bercow was also impressed. “It is absolutely beautiful,” he said of the creation, which was like a psychedelic Chelsea Flower Show. “It is tasteful and interesting, not boring like all too many ties.”
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Liam Fox prefers his neckwear to be sober, like the blue and white spotted number the trade secretary was wearing. “This is the first time in my life that I have been grateful for being colour blind,” he said. Mr Gardiner huffed that his wife, who had chosen the tie for him, would be hurt by this.
Dr Fox’s impediment has caused problems in the past. When he was defence secretary he had to ask his officials to bring in maps of conflicts with the warring sides coloured in yellow and blue rather than red and green since he could never tell who was winning. It also raises a concern for our withdrawal from the EU. Theresa May has said that she would like a “red, white and blue Brexit”. Dr Fox’s colour blindness could mean that we end up with a green, grey and lilac Brexit instead and that would just be ridiculous.
Dennis Skinner hasn’t changed his fashion since 1974. Nor his views. The bore of Bolsover spoke during culture questions about the investigation into allegations of child abuse at football clubs. Naturally, he wanted to make it all about class warfare. Miners don’t fiddle with minors, he said.
Mr Skinner thought that it was “remarkable” that all the allegations of abuse were about teams in the top four leagues of England — the rich ones — and that no one ever abused children at any of the 700 miners’ welfare football clubs.
“The truth is it’s about money,” he asserted. “When the government are digging into this, they should remember that there is a class argument about it. It is about people making money, and the Tories know a lot about that.”
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This was pathetic even for this bitter old dinosaur. He didn’t seem to be aware of a news story from the Derby Telegraph a few years ago about a retired miner in his own constituency who had been sentenced to 11 years for raping a 14-year-old girl. He had also forgotten that Jimmy Savile was a former Bevin Boy in the mines, who chose Lee Dorsey’s Working In The Coal Mine for his Desert Island Discs.
Had this been a Tory backbencher who said something so crass, Labour MPs and activists would quite rightly have been baying for blood. Mr Skinner’s outburst was treated as if it was just one of those things an elderly uncle says. It was far more embarrassing, though, than any novelty knitwear or colourful tie.