OF COURSE, NONE OF US WILL TRULY feel we’ve got last night’s myriad events into even a semblance of perspective until we’ve checked the view of Ron Atkinson on the next of Big Ron’s Big World Cup Podcasts. Have you caught up with these yet? When not serving a penitential sentence as a World Cup pundit on the almost entirely unwatched UKTV, the disgraced analyst is offering the globe his suitably chastened thoughts via the SelfcastTV website, uploading his load, as it were, after each England game.
Impressed? To adapt John Hodgman, the American humorist, not just anyone can broadcast on the internet. Odd, though, to find Big Ron, of all people, at the leading edge of 21st-century infotainment. I have a hunch that, before this World Cup, you could have asked Big Ron to define podcasting and he would have guessed it was a town off the A619 near Staveley.
Now, though, with a whole new England saga to talk about, the only question is, where will Big Ron be this time? Thus far, he has cast his pod (to use the technical expression) from a variety of unexplained locations, including what appeared to be the bar and trophy room of his sumptuous home in the Birmingham suburbs, an abandoned room — possibly in a media centre — and then, most excitingly, after England’s match against Trinidad & Tobago, from a suite in a plush-looking hotel.
How plush? Well, beyond Big Ron’s shoulder, no fewer than three pillows were clearly visible on either side of the king-size bed, making a feather-tastic total of six in all, so I think we can discount the possibility that it was a Travelodge.
Let me emphasise that at no point during this podcast did Big Ron appear topless, which, sadly, tends all too often to be the way of things these days when celebrities turn up on webcams in bedrooms. On the contrary, Big Ron appeared to be dressed for a wedding, in a dark suit and silver tie. Which means that, although he didn’t really say anything that wasn’t said by a thousand other pundits in a thousand other media outlets (for example, “the result was the important thing”), he looked a lot smarter when he said it. The man has standards, even now.
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So bring him on. There is much to discuss — the Michael Owen injury, the Sweden penalty that wasn’t, the Wayne Rooney/Peter Crouch partnership that also wasn’t, the Rio Ferdinand injury, the Joe Cole goal, Steven Gerrard’s second, the World Cup future of Theo Walcott, aged 14¾, the defensive shambles, Roo’s dugout punching and boot-tossing and, above all, the question of whether, once again, the result was the important thing. All the indications are that Big Ron is going to be phoning down to reception for an even bigger pod.
Back in the world of real-time reaction, the ITV punditry panel crossed over from open-necked shirts into suits, to signal the gathering seriousness of the tournament. Thereafter, the kick-off almost had to be delayed to allow Terry Venables to try to come up with yet another way to pronounce “Ibrahimovic”, as in Zlatan, the injured Sweden striker. You say “Ibrahimovic”, Tel says “Ibrahemovic”. Tel also says “Ibrahamovich”. Let’s call the whole thing off.
I’ll tell you who really misses Big Ron — Clive Tyldesley. He has been like Ernie without Eric since his big-match colleague went down on a racism rap. Still, the ITV commentator doesn’t completely want for confidence. “Good evening, everybody,” Tyldesley greeted us last night, “and on a night like this, it really is just about everybody.”
Hmm. Let’s wait for the viewing figures to come in, shall we, before we start composing addresses to the nation? Same goes for you, Big Ron.