If you could see inside my head, you would find some enormously perceptive thoughts about the rise of the far right in European politics. Before you got there, though, you’d find the following: summer 2016. Bikini or one-piece?
The answer, for the record, is always bikini, but all bikinis are not created equal. There are still far too many women wearing tiny string bikinis that they’ve no business wearing, tops so heavily wired they look like bras and one-pieces that they think are hiding a multitude of sins. They’re not. One-pieces are ageing. Swimwear is, by definition revealing, so you might as well reveal. Thinking that a bit of fabric over your tummy will cause people not to realise that you have one is bonkers. Nobody’s looking at you anyway; we’re all far too busy dealing with our own raging body dysmorphia.
Bikinis are a sad exception to the rule that the more you pay, the longer it will last. Chlorine, hot sun, salt water and sunscreen will do for it just as surely, whether it cost £30 or £300. Spending more, though, will of course get you a better fit, cut and fabric. Now the bad news: if there’s a fantastic budget bikini out there for the big-busted, I’m afraid I haven’t found it. Topshop and H&M are great if you’re smaller than a D cup. I’m not. The only bikinis I have ever tried on without crying cost £150 or more. All I can say is that if you’re only buying one, and it’s the difference between enjoying your holiday or not, it’s got to be worth considering, no?
To style. Briefs should be just that, not cut too high. If they dig in, don’t kid yourself; just buy a bigger size. Muffin top in a bikini is upsetting even to type. I don’t really hold with the vintage big-knickers Fifties thing unless you’re Taylor Swift. Tankinis are indefensible.
Bandeaux are for the slim and flat-chested. Unsupported, sausage-like boobage is a look to freeze the blood. Halternecks are good for big busts. Elizabeth Hurley Beach and Heidi Klein’s excellent DD+ range are both marvellous. Avoid cups with that ghastly vertical bra-like seam up the middle, like every single DD+ bikini on Figleaves and Bravissimo. Come on, guys. Raise your game. We need you. A bikini isn’t supposed to give as much support as a bra, so it doesn’t need to look as if it does.
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If you insist on a one-piece, ruching across the tummy is your friend. Subtle underwiring keeps things decent and if it has a crossover knot in the middle of the bust, so much the better. No idea why that’s flattering; it just is. Dolce & Gabbana’s daisy-print one-piece is exactly what I’m talking about, but it’s £315 on Net-A-Porter. Magisculpt’s bandeau actually has detachable straps, ruching across the front and hidden control panels. It’s plain and black and does the job, albeit without adding much to the gaiety of nations (£35; fiftyplus.co.uk). Good luck. Try not to cry. I’m sticking with my bikinis.