One day, in the heartbreaking months after I had decided I was leaving my marriage, a friend came by my new apartment with a basket of get-out-of-your-funk goodies. It was filled to the brim with everything from chocolate and erotic porn to a library of dating books, and that night, as I jumped into my big, lonely bed and strategically chose to read the dating handbook The Rules rather the use the vibrator, my life changed.
Page after page, as I devoured the words that were meant for my love life, I was struck with one shining beacon of discovery: pure career genius. I'm a career manager, so I do tend to look at the world through the lens of work, but now I had a context to wrap it around. After that fateful night, I took the top classic dating rules and turned them into career strategies: treat them mean to keep them keen; don't tell them you want a kid on the first date (or in the interview); don't expect to change them... I promise I've found the key to applying it to your career in a way that will change your life.
TREAT HIM MEAN, KEEP HIM KEEN
The equation goes like this: when something (or someone) is nice, it becomes easy. And things that are easy just don't feel as valuable as those that aren't. This principle is as true in courting success as it is in courting love.
Mean is not about being a bitch for being a bitch's sake. What I am saying is that, while our instinct is to be liked, true success demands respect - and respect simply doesn't come to the yes girl whose colleagues walk all over her.
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What's the primary sign that we're too concerned with being the nice girl? We take it all too personally. There is a critical point at which you need to get over yourself in order to ask for what you want, take a risk and know that this isn't a popularity contest.
The reason why we don't get what we want in our careers is we don't ask for it. And the reason we don't ask for what we want? We allow "no" to feel too personal. But you can't escape no - it's a part of the success landscape. So get over it. And then devote your energy or anger into figuring out what they will say yes to.
KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT
Just like you want to refrain from raising the freak flag on a date, there really are some things about you that nobody, least of all your boss, needs to know about.
In a world of open workspace and Facebook, Too Much Information (TMI) is running rampant. I get that long hours and intense environments are fodder for friendships, but you need to remind yourself that these are your colleagues. Day after day, you must be prepared to face these people who now know that your favourite position is doggie style.
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Things better left unsaid: "I'm going to take a pregnancy test at lunch." Stay away from any conversation that has to do with your private parts - the tantric sex you had last night, the abortion you're considering, the raging yeast infection. They're called your privates for a reason.
"Don't tell anyone, but..." Not only can you count on your secret not being kept, but by the time your little secret crush on the FedEx guy has done the rounds, everyone will think you've slept with him in the boardroom.
IF YOU'VE GOT IT, FLAUNT IT
Career success is based upon leverage. You have a number of assets to position to your advantage: talent, humour, discipline, creativity and, yes, I'm going to say it, your sexuality. There comes a point in all our personal lives when we realise just how powerful we are as women. A coy smile and tilt of the head can be all it takes to get our own way. This power exists at the office as well, and if you've got it, flaunt it.
What is "it"? It's not a plunging neckline, it's not acting stupid, it's not Gisele-like looks and it's definitely not an exchange of sex for a promotion - that has a whole other name. What I'm talking about is an intangible energy. It is a stand-up-straight kind of confidence. It is a sense of humour that comes with not taking yourself too seriously. And if you work only with women and think this doesn't apply to you, think again. Women are as receptive to "it" as men. Remember this isn't about sex but desire, and in the case of work, the desire is to be a little more like you.
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How do you get "it"? The key to getting more "it" is becoming comfortable in your skin. So how do we do that? Know that it's all in your head. Who isn't attracted to people who are smart, articulate and able to hold their own? Have a laugh. I'm not talking about the boss who grabs your bottom, but if someone says you look great today, assume the best and smile.
Dress the part Slipping on a beautiful pair of heels is like dipping yourself in power. Avoid showing cleavage. Legs are the safest way to suggest sexy without going over the line, and most women are okay with showing their calves. We're all looking to get away from the feeling that our career is a grind, and if you can be the one who is focused on bringing passion and excitement to the office, you'll be the belle of the ball.
DON'T EXPECT TO CHANGE HIM
Things will be different this time. He's learnt his lesson. It won't happen again. Leopards, men, mammoth organisations, crazy bosses - they don't change their spots. I know way too many women who have slaved away for years, climbing an insurmountable ladder or working with someone who treats them like crap, hoping that one day the boss will finally come to his senses. I promise you this: it's never gonna happen.
I'm guessing you have a list of what you want in a man. But do you know what you're looking for in a company, in a boss, in a business partner, in your colleagues? Give it some thought. And then write it down.
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Here are my top must-bes to get you started: He must be loyal. Unfortunately, loyalty is demonstrated through action. Trust your instincts and look for warning signs. If someone betrays you, don't give him the chance to do it again.
He must be inspirational. I've learnt this one from being a boss. If you respond with "great", "perfect", "thanks" on too many occasions, both incentive and quality go down. We all want to be better than we believe we are. Look for bosses, employees and clients who up your game, who provide constructive criticism, who challenge you to be more.
He must be fun. The truth is, even if you're in a career or in a relationship with someone you love, there's a day-to-day grind involved, and for that, you want to be with someone who makes things fun.
GET A LIFE
If you're after success, you need to put out. You will feel exposed, exhausted and exhilarated. Hard work is the name of the game. But here's the thing: there is a critical point at which all of your self-sacrifice starts to feel like just that - the sacrifice of your self. And this is the danger zone. Lose yourself and you've lost everything.
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Do you need to get a life?
It's hard to know that you don't have one when you don't have one. Here are a few signs:
• Your eyes have forgotten how to adjust to natural daylight.
• Peeing is a setback.
• Walking to the photocopier and back totally counts as exercise.
• The people framed on your desk are giving you the middle finger.
• The guy in accounting with the spitting problem has started to look delicious.
© Wildly Sophisticated Media 2009. Extracted from Girl on Top: Your Guide to Turning Dating Rules into Career Success, by Nicole Williams is published by Center Street on Thursday at £15.99. Order it for £14.39 (including p&p) from The Sunday Times Bookshop on 0845 271 2135; timesonline.co.uk/bookshop