Hola! I would like to report a theft. Someone has stolen Vince Cable’s sense of humour. Indeed, there is a chance that someone has stolen Vince Cable. Yesterday he was accused of being Mao with a hint of Stalin but, regrettably, to almost coin a phrase that someone once almost said, he only seemed liked Mr Has Been.
There is a certain emptiness about Vince these days. Yesterday, for instance, Kevin Brennan, for Labour, asked if Vince had read the reports of Nick Clegg’s visit to Mexico. The moment that Mr Clegg was mentioned, people began to laugh. But not, obviously, the man known as Vince.
“He was humiliated first by a Mexican student who said he could no longer afford to come to study in Britain,” said Señor Brennan, “and then by the Mexican President, who said that British students should go to study in Mexico instead.”
Mr Brennan flicked his imaginary poncho. “Are you in any way embarrassed by the fact that your policy on tuition fees has become a laughing stock across the world?”
Vince, face like a burrito, peered at the poncho. “Well, I wasn’t in Mexico,” he announced. “I was in another country, Wales, discussing the issue there.”
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People stared. Was he serious? He was. “The simple truth is,” continued Vince, “as I’m sure we communicated to the Mexican authorities, Mexican students are welcome to come to the country. There is no cap on the limit of overseas students.” This answer managed to miss all points at the same time. It was as if Vince, blindfolded, were trying to hit a piñata but had, somehow, hit himself instead.
We’d had other misses too. Earlier a Labour MP noted that Hull University wanted to charge £9,000. How would this encourage more youngsters to go to university? This is the answer Vince gave. “The introduction of graduate contributions at the level we have will ensure that universities are indeed properly funded.”
Whiffle, whiffle. Was Vince working off some kind of tape? Had his voice box been stolen too?
Simon Hughes exists now only to remind the Lib Dems of who they once were (doesn’t it seem so long ago?). Yesterday he arose and asked if Vince was still reminding universities that it was “unreasonable” for them to charge such high fees.
Vince heaped praise on Simon to much hysteria and then emitted another non-answer, saying that no one needed to charge more than £7,500 and, with efficiencies, that could be £6,000.
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It was, actually, embarrassing, like an exercise in denial. When asked whether the Treasury would be able to fund such high fees, he answered: “There is no hole in the finances.”
The Tories went on the attack as well, over the idea that those universities which charge the top fees may have their places cut. “Surely it is a matter for universities to decide who to admit on individual merit, not for us to have a central government control model,” James Clappison said. “We are trying to build the Big Society, not recreate the Soviet Union.”
This got a laugh, though not, again, from Vince. But it must be said the future looks uncertain for the man who is still, if not exactly Stalin, then at least the Big Enchilada — for now.