Once upon a time young people were nagged to sit up straight, keep their elbows off the table and told not to talk with their mouths full. Personally, I was always told not to eat so fast, like a starving wolf. I responded by marrying Giles Coren, the only person in Britain who bolts his food quicker than I do.
Now a poll shows that you are lucky if Gen Z will show up to the table at all — they are more likely to be found eating Deliveroo straight from the box, in front of the TV, while also scrolling Instagram.
A poll by Censuswide showed 60 per cent of those aged 12 to 27 think old-timey table manners are irrelevant and more than a third have admitted to using their phones at the table. Only a third?
In response to this Debrett’s, the 250-year-old etiquette coaching company, whose continuing existence is very baffling, advised young people to “sit up straight, don’t fidget and don’t put elbows on the table” as a golden rule to “ensure that your table manners never fall short or let you down’’.
As a mother of young children, aged 13 and 10, I know two things. One, teaching children anything takes a thousand years and will render your soul to ash; but also, two, you really do need to teach your children table manners and enforce them.
But as I mentioned, teaching children basic things such as hanging their towels up after their bath or to put shoes away is a one-way ticket to tears of frustration. You have to constantly repeat yourself like a jabbering loon and you still might not get anywhere.
I have told my children every single time we have been to a restaurant to put their napkin on their lap. But if I don’t tell them, they don’t do it. My daughter has suddenly stopped putting her knife and fork together to indicate she has finished. Why? Who told her that was OK? Am I talking to myself, here?! It drives me wild.
The temptation not to bother with any of this, particularly as we slide towards a society of mush-eating zombies, where children think that food is grown on the back of delivery scooters, is pretty overwhelming.
But while adults who know how to behave properly and choose not to are contrary, adults who don’t know how to behave, because their parents gave up, are tragic.
I continue to hope that if my children ever dine with royalty, they will dimly recall my screeching instructions to take their hands out of their pockets and not blow their nose on the tablecloth. Having said all that, you do have to modernise a bit. Fussing about elbows on the table when Gen Z don’t even know which hand to hold a knife in, seems like an overreach.
At home, I would never expect my children to place their cutlery back on their plates while chewing, but they are expected to sit at the table and no tech is allowed.
In a restaurant, things change and everyone has to make compromises. My children have to do the napkin thing and not beatbox or ting the glasses with spoons — in turn, we parents stick to one course and talk energetically to the entire table, rather than gossiping among ourselves about people my children don’t know.
With small etiquette points, you’ll see better results, (I mean, relatively), if you tell your children to do things, “napkin on lap”, “knife and fork together”, rather than wait for them to get it wrong and then criticise them. Shame won’t get you anywhere.
At heart, good manners are about making other people feel at ease. For example, my husband and I once arrived for dinner at a smart house and he was in a nice shirt and trousers. Our host, who was in a velvet smoking jacket and slippers took one look at Giles and vanished upstairs, returning wearing something more casual.
So the only bad table habit I take issue with is teens or adults using their phones extensively and ignoring everyone else. Brief “tech breaks” are understandable, but it’s those people who sit there, scrolling or typing and ignoring everyone else at the table who need to be taken out to sea and sunk by gunfire. Or just sent home.
Who really cares if a 14-year-old eats his sausages with his fingers or sits with one foot tucked under his bottom? If you’re at the table, chatting and taking part, it’s all good. Don’t blow your nose on the tablecloth, though.
