There are plenty of adventures to be had for any young boy who likes mess, gore, slime, speed and being scared out of his wits. That is, any young boy really.
Bart Simpson – a plucky ten-year-old who means well but can’t resist making crank phone calls, causing a diplomatic incident with Australia (just to find out if the toilet flushes the other way in the southern hemisphere) and generally back-chatting Homer, his father. He doesn’t know it, but he’s in desperate need of activities to keep his four-fin-gered yellow hands out of trouble during the school holidays.
There are lots of places around the UK where children can get close to sharks, compare butts with the ape world, make ghoulish noises in dank dark caves and find out how pirates and murderers were executed in the olden days.
If they want thrills and spills, there are icy ski slopes where tobogganing is on offer even on the hottest days of summer, and at Legoland there are rides that aren’t suitable for pregnant ladies, those with heart problems or people with broken limbs. “Cooooool,” as Bart might say . . .
ALNWICK GARDEN TREE HOUSE
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Set in the pretty, extensive Alnwick Gardens, the massive tree house is a great place to play, picnic and enjoy special events. Attractions also include miniature tractors, the “gruesome” Poison Gardens and the watery fun of the Grand Cascade jets. Denwick Lane, Alnwick, Northumberland (www.alnwickgarden.com 01665 511350), Mon-Sun 10am-7pm, £8, children free
ALTON TOWERS
Although some rides require your child to be more than 1.4m tall, there are lots for smaller kids, as long as they can lure a parent on board with them. These include “Oblivion”, a highly promising 200-feet drop into the ground. The park’s claim that it is “more brain-shredding than a bungee” makes it ideal for boys with no future plans for their brains . . . Alton, Staffs (www.altontowers.com 0870 5204060), Mon-Sun 9.30am-closing times vary (until Nov 11), £32, children £22, under4s free
APPEARING ROOMS FOUNTAIN
The artist Jeppe Hein’s water sculpture is just outside the Royal Festival Hall. A series of “walls” of water spring up as people jump from one block to the next. The theory is that, if you time it right, you can move around inside it without getting wet, but most kids love getting soaked. Riverside Terrace, Southbank Centre, Belvedere Road, London SE1 (www.southbankcentre.co.uk 0870 3800400), Mon-Sun 10am-10pm (until Sept 16), free
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BAYSIXTY6 SKATEPARK
Skateboarding and BMX areas for all ages (everyone has to wear a helmet), but with a feeling of urban cool not least because it’s situated under the Westway. 65-66 Acklam Road, London W10 (www.bay sixty6.com 020-8969 4669), Mon, Thur & Fri 11am-4pm, 5-9pm; Tues & Wed 11am-4pm, 5-10pm; Sat & Sun 10am-noon, noon-4pm, 5-9pm, £6, beginners £3
DAN YR OGOF CAVES
Lots of dark caves to explore with dripping stalactites for added spookiness. There is also an impressive park of huge model dinosaurs and a farm. The National Showcaves Centre for Wales, Abercrave, Swansea (www.showcaves. co.uk 01639 730284), Mon-Sun 10am-3pm (until Oct 31), £10, children £6.50
DIGGERLAND
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Perfect for any child who stops and gazes in wonder every time you pass a building site. Children can ride diggers of all sizes, ride in dumper trucks, and find out how they work. Roman Way, Medway Valley Leisure Park, Strood, Kent (www.diggerland.com 0870 0344437), Mon-Sun 10am-5pm, adults and children £12.50, under3s free
DINOSAURS ALIVE! 3-D
Find out more about the work of palaeontologists or just get scared out of your seats as magnificent prehistoric beasts roar their way through this great 3-D film (PG). IMAX 3-D Cinema at Science Museum, Exhibition Road, South Kensington, London SW7 (www.sciencemuseum.org.uk 0870 8704868), check website for screening dates and times, £7.50, children £6 HELICOPTER MUSEUM
Look and climb into an array of historic helicopters, or, for an extra fee, go on the Helicopter Air Experience flight. Locking Moor Road, Weston-super-Mare, Somerset (www.helicoptermuseum.co.uk 01934 635227), Mon-Sun 10am-5.30pm, £5.30, children £3.30, under5s free I
NVERARAY JAIL
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Let your little darlings explore this 19th-century prison complete with court, cells and the inviting “Torture, Death and Damnation” exhibition. Inveraray, Argyll (www.inveraray jail.co.uk 01499 302381), Mon-Sun 9.30am-6pm, £6.25, children £3.15, under4s free
LANHYDROCK HOUSE AND GARDENS
As well as a beautiful house and gardens to explore there is an adventure playground. Events through the summer include the suitably chilling open-air production of The Hound of the Baskervilles (Aug 1) and the rousing Robin Hood (Aug 26). Take your own seating and picnic. Bodmin, Cornwall (www.nationaltrust. org.uk 01208 265950), Tues-Sun 11am-5.30pm (until Sept 30), see website for performance times, prices vary
LEGOLAND
Smaller children will enjoy the gentle rides and wandering around the model village, while older children will love the 60kmh speed of the Jungle Coaster and brand new Viking’s River Splash ride. Winkfield Road, Windsor, Berks (www.legoland.co.uk 0870 5040404), Mon-Sun 10am-7pm, £33, children £25, under 3s free
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MUSEUM IN DOCKLANDS
Give your mischievous ones a taste of the rough, tough life of 1840s Wapping, in the dimly lit recreated streets of Sailortown. West India Quay, Canary Wharf, London E14 (www.museumindocklands.org. uk 0870 4443851), Mon-Sun 10am-6pm, £5, children free
NATIONAL MARINE AQUARIUM
Several different tanks and floors reveal the secrets of the deep, including the splendid Sand Tiger Sharks, which have doubled in weight since arriving at the Aquarium.
Rope Walk, Coxside, Plymouth (www.national-aquarium.co.uk 01752 600301), Mon-Sun 10am-6pm, £9.50, children £5.75, under3s free
READING FESTIVAL
Yes, you can take children to this legendary rock festival. Indeed, under13s go free with a paying adult, so this is your chance to introduce your offspring to the likes of Razorlight or those former Simpsons special guests, Red Hot Chili Peppers. Richfield Avenue, Reading (www.reading festival.com 020-8963 0940), Aug 24-26, day ticket £62.50, three-day ticket £145
ROYAL NAVAL SUBMARINE MUSEUM
The claustrophobia of the deep blue, the thrill of the depth charge, slinking through waters in search of the enemy ship – what’s not to like? This museum traces the history of the submarine and shows young visitors the latest technology. Haslar Jetty Road, Gosport, Hants (www.rnsubmus.co.uk 023-9252 9217), Mon-Sun 10am-5.30pm (until Oct 31), £7, children £5.50
SCAPA FLOW
The sheltered waters around the Orkney Islands at the top of Scotland have provided respite for ships for thousands of years. Find out more about travel, war intrigue and shipping through exhibits such as the bren-gun carrier, and a massive searchlight inside a huge oil storage tank. Lyness, Hoy, Orkney (www.scapaflow.co.uk 01856 791300), Mon-Fri 9am-4.30pm, Sat & Sun 10am-4pm, free
SENSATION DUNDEE
Mind-bending science comes to life. The vibrant Vanishing Ice exhibition (until Aug 31) reveals how people survive extreme temperatures. Greenmarket, Dundee (www.sensation. org.uk 01382 228800), Mon-Sun 10am-5pm, adult £6.95, children £4.95, under4s free
SNO! ZONE
Ski and snowboard on real snow with coaching and equipment for all ages and abilities (including ski lessons for children aged 3-6). For a drop-in experience, the tobogganing option is great fun. Xscape Milton Keynes, 602 Marlborough Gate, Milton Keynes (www.xscape.co.uk 0871 2003220), Sun-Wed 9am-10pm, Thur-Sat 9am-11pm, prices vary
W5 BELFAST
Lots of different exhibitions come together in this state- of-the-art discovery centre. Events throughout the summer include Drawing Robots (July 30-Aug 4), which celebrates comic drawing and the work of the “Transformers” comic artist Nick Roche. W5 @ Odyssey, 2 Queen?s Quay, Belfast (www.w5online.co.uk 028-9046 7700), Mon-Sat 10am-6pm, Sun noon-6pm, £6.50, children £4.50, under3s free
ZSL LONDON ZOO
One of the latest additions is the Gorilla Kingdom, where the animals have more room to roam and large glass windows allow children to get close to these hairy beasts. The zoo is full of facts and figures about how animals live, eat and, more importantly, poo, so your nine-year-olds will love it. Outer Circle, Regent’s Park, London NW1 (www.zsl.org 020-7722 3333), Mon-Sun 10am-5.30pm (until Oct 21), £14.50, children £11, under3s free
Simpsons cultural survival guide #1 On translation:
Marge: “Remember, an elevator is called a ‘lift’, a mile is called a ‘kilometre’, and botulism is called ‘steak and kidney pie’”.
Simpsons cultural survival guide #2 On Hamlet:
Bart: “I can’t believe a play where every character gets killed could be so boring.”
Homer: “Son, it’s not only a great play, but also became a great movie called Ghostbusters.”