A. I can see that this hurts very much, but you have to let your brother go. If you really were his best friend, you would want the best for him and, right now, that is a happy marriage. Too often, we think of our friends or family as our possessions. Think about it: my brother, my best friend. Well, they’re not possessions. They are people, with their own hearts and minds, and they have a right to do as they wish with them. The more we understand that, the better a friend or sibling we can be.
You are confusing need with love and being emotionally needy. That is very different from being loving, although often the two become confused. When we love somebody, we see a whole person. When we need somebody excessively, we see an attachment of ourselves. Neediness drives other people mad because it inspires terrible guilt — the guilt of letting down somebody that we love. To make another person feel that bad is never fair. No single person can satisfy another person’s needs. It is not in their power. Right now, you are behaving like a black hole of need. Your brother could never fill it: he would have to give you 24-hour attention to make you feel secure.
You need to look at the source of your insecurity. You also need to think about your jealousy issues, which usually come from insecurity. This is jealousy, pure and simple, not of your sister-in-law for what she is, but for what she has — the attention of your brother, which you think she is taking away from you. Love is not finite. There really is plenty to go around. Your brother doesn’t have just one bag of love, he has an infinite supply. He can give you the same amount of love that he always gave you. You can’t see that because you are concentrating not on the amount that he’s giving you, but on the amount you think he’s giving her. You think she’s taking something away. Well, she can’t. It is not possible for somebody else to take away another person’s love, although we can lose it through our own behaviour. We are so frightened of looking at ourselves and taking responsibility for our behaviour that we blame somebody else, just as you are doing with your sister-in-law. Taking responsibility is difficult and painful. Blame is easy. It is also a highly destructive emotion. It destroys love and it ruins friendships. And you, I’m afraid, are on the fast track to destroying your relationship with your brother, which would be a terrible pity.
In your (much) longer letter, you say that your sister-in-law is possessive. Can’t the same thing be said about you? Often, the things that drive us mad about other people are the exact same things that drive us mad about ourselves. I know that the last thing you want to hear is me taking your sister-in-law’s side, but, as your brother says, try to look at it through her eyes. It must be difficult for her to be brought into such a close, tight family and live in a strange house. I’m sure that she would much prefer to have her own home and start married life without the tiresome demands of a jealous and possessive younger sister, but perhaps they don’t have enough money yet.
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This situation is, you say, affecting your brother badly. Let me put that another way. Your behaviour is affecting your brother badly. Is that really what you want? Is that the action of a best friend? Of course not. You love your brother very much, so show him some love and compassion. You absolutely don’t have to be a best friend to your sister-in-law, but you do have to accept that she is another human being with as much right to kindness and respect as you.
It might also be a good idea to look at your other relationships and perhaps look outside the family to make some good, close friendships. Your brother is nine years older than you, so maybe it is time for you to find some companions of your own age. Concentrate on that, and on establishing your own life, and your brother’s life and choices will stop being so important and painful to you, because you will be far too preoccupied with your own.
If you have a relationship question for Sally Brampton, e-mail sally.brampton@sunday-times.co.uk. In case of publication, names will be withheld. We’re sorry, but Sally cannot answer every letter personally