A. This man sounds emotionally damaged, and if you hang around with him long enough, I suspect that you’ll end up damaged too. You’re already joining in with his behaviour, standing him up or not returning his calls in order to give him “a taste of his own medicine” — and that, I promise you, is just the beginning. The minute you slip into that sort of sick behaviour (sick as in the opposite to the behaviour in a healthy relationship), the more addictive it becomes, because both of you are constantly trying to get the upper hand. “You hurt me, so I’ll hurt you. In fact, I’ll hurt you more.” When that toxic relationship really gets going, you each have to outmanoeuvre the other by playing more and more complicated and hurtful games. It always amazes me how inventive people can be when it comes to torturing each other in the name of love.
He’s a control freak, and I don’t mean that in any smart or sassy way. He likes to control, manipulate and humiliate other people. He bolsters his non-existent self-worth by putting other people down in order to build himself up. This man does not want a healthy, loving relationship. Or it may be that a part of him wants one — which is why he will suddenly act loving — but he has no idea how to actually have one. Intimacy is so frightening to him that when he is confronted by it, he withdraws or becomes hostile. Deliberately ignoring somebody you love, or putting him or her down, is an act of hostility.
He is what is known in therapeutic language as an “avoidant”. In other words, he’ll avoid intimacy with another person. It’s incredibly confusing for anyone involved with an avoidant, because he or she usually starts out behaving charmingly. They’ll do anything to get your attention and affection, then, once they get it, they’ll dump all over you in order to avoid any real connection or love. They want you close, but not too close.
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Look at your boyfriend’s past behaviour. First he hooks you (acting besotted in the beginning), then he pulls you in (pestering you to live with him), then, once he’s got you safe and sound in his territory, he tortures you (by ignoring or ridiculing you). It’s power play, not because he actually feels powerful, but because he wants to feel that way. It might even sometimes feel as if he hates you. They say that hate is the flip side of love. That’s open to debate, but what is true is that both are such strong emotions, they become ways of claiming our undivided attention.
He won’t let you out to see your friends. He wants you with him, but when he’s got you there, he treats you with no respect. It’s the perfect portrait of the avoidant. He’ll use any amount of charm (or even threats, as in the case of his anger) to get you next to him, then will shut down totally or become hostile because he is so terrified of closeness.
No matter how much you might think you love him and want to rescue him (or think you can change him by showing him what love really is), you’re not going to win this one. He needs to do some serious work on himself, and he won’t until he looks at his own behaviour. Nobody else can do it for him. You are 23 years old. You have a whole life ahead of you, as well as loving, kind relationships that will make you happy. Don’t throw those chances away on this man. Listen to your friends and family. They love you. They can see how bad he is for you or for anyone he gets close to.
I know that I always say the same thing, but I also know it to be true: we cannot change other people. It is not in our power and we only drive ourselves mad or cause ourselves terrible pain by believing that it is. I don’t believe it’s love that you feel, although it may be that you feel lonely. That will pass. What I suspect you are feeling is excitement and heightened adrenaline (hence the nervous energy and weight loss) because you are being tormented and tantalised. Avoidants are good at that. What they can’t do is deliver. Trust me, that’s not love.
If you have a relationship question for Sally Brampton, e-mail sally.brampton@sunday-times.co.uk. In case of publication, names will be withheld. Regretfully, no correspondence can be entered into