Picture the scene. The John Prescott battle bus is rolling into town, and the deputy prime minister is on the loudspeaker urging voters to back a northeast regional assembly.
Until, that is, the bus takes a wrong turn and ends up in a supermarket car park. With the loudspeaker still on, shoppers of Easington, County Durham, hear a very different message. “This ain’t right!” booms Prescott. “Where are we? Ah, f****** ’ell, it’s bloody Asda. I f****** ’ate Asda.”
This story of Labour’s campaign machine has been revealed by Richard Gibbs, who was a regional organiser for the party but who has written an account of life behind the scenes. Another tale concerns a visit to Newcastle by John Reid during that assembly campaign. Two teenage girls greeted him by impersonating the Meg Ryan orgasm scene from When Harry Met Sally, but a Labour official put a stop to that. He sprinted up to one of the girls “and delivered a well-aimed boot to her backside. She landed in a crumpled heap”.
Gibbs, 27, who has now left Labour, says: “It took me four years to go from idealistic new Labour recruit to someone thoroughly disillusioned with the party.”
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Carey whips up a bit of turbulence as the Angry Anglican
When Rowan Williams considers his predecessor as Archbishop of Canterbury, who could blame him for crying out: “Who will rid me of this turbulent priest?”
George Carey has cemented his reputation as the church’s answer to Edward Heath with an outspoken attack on its Middle East policy. “I am ashamed to be an Anglican,” Carey told The Jerusalem Post.
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Carey was speaking after the general synod passed a resolution, backed by Williams, calling on the church to stop investing in firms that profit from the occupation of Palestinian land. “It totally ignores the trauma of the ordinary Jewish person,” said Carey.
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Last Monday was obviously a good day to bury bad news because an embarrassing revelation from the Department for Work and Pensions has passed almost unnoticed. Minister James Plaskitt has admitted the department and its agencies have lost nearly £4m to internal fraud since 2000. That’s on top of the annual bill for benefit fraud — almost £1 billion a year.
Saddam the poet pens ballad of Baghdad jail
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Other prisoners must make do with the Red Cross, but Saddam Hussein has apparently been visited by the Muse. The former Iraqi dictator has been killing time in prison by writing poetry.
According to critics, his style is not so much Omar Khayyam as Adrian al-Mole. “Saddam is trying to imitate classical Arabic poetry that real poets have ceased to use,” said Amjad Nasser, arts editor of the London Arab daily Al-Quds Al-Arabi, which published the poem last week. “It was an older generation of poet who wrote in this way. The form is old-fashioned and, as you can read, the quality is very poor.”
Saddam writes in what might kindly be described as a florid style. “Oh Iraq, misfortune has shaken your sword, so stand tall,” he urges. “Gather your strength without bearing a grudge . . . give my regards to those who resist.”
It’s not the first time he has inflicted his poetry on the Iraqi people. In 2003 he included a 16-line poem in a broadcast made while on the run from American forces. He has also published four novels, including a romance called Zabibah and the King. None seems to have attracted the attention of the Booker judges.
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In the glory days of the Conservative party they split over free trade and the corn laws. These days it’s the sticky issue of the Terry’s Chocolate Orange, whose low price at WH Smith so recently offended party leader David Cameron (toffee surround with a seductive soft centre). Jeremy Browne, a Liberal Democrat, put down a cheeky Commons motion at the time saying “the price of chocolate is best determined by the markets”. Now the Taunton MP says Tories have been queueing up to assure him — privately — of their support. Unfortunately, they’re too scared to back him in public.
Is the Lib Dem leadership race having quite the public impact that the party would like? A call to Chris Huhne, the current favourite, at the Commons last week suggests not. “Chris who?” said the operator, baffled.
“Huhne.”
“Right, hang on please”. A short silence followed. “How are you spelling that please?”
Tony Blair appears to have lost the respect of the people he leads, yet — as he demonstrated in his speech to Labour’s spring conference last week — he is still trying to win them over with his matey, chilled-out entertainer style and embarrassing jokes. Has anybody else noticed how the prime minister is turning before our very eyes into David Brent from The Office?