Atticus

Secondhand robes - first choice for their lordships

If Labour ever manages to scrap the remaining 92 hereditary members of the House of Lords, there will be an unexpected consequence - an unseemly scramble for secondhand robes.

Members of the Lords are required to wear robes for the state opening of parliament, which takes place again this Wednesday. But a new set can cost £8,000, and secondhand robes are in short supply.

Crossbencher Baroness Murphy of Aldgate tried to hire from Ede & Ravenscroft, the London robemakers, last week, only to find they'd run out. "But they had a cancellation, so I will go to the party after all," says the former psychiatric professor. She paid £124, but there's one problem: she doesn't yet know if the robes are her size.

There's one life peer, of course, who doesn't have this problem. Peter Mandelson has the air of a man who has maintained a full set of robes since his early teens. And possibly a coronet too.

See you across the dispatch box, Jimmy

Politicians are at last speaking a language that TV's Rab C Nesbitt can understand. The Scottish parliament has produced an internet guide in Scots dialect. "Walcome tae the Scottish pairlament wabsite," says the introduction. "The Scottish pairlament is here for tae represent aw Scotlan's folk."

It explains that "Ye hae mony weys tae mak yir view kent [known] when ye hae strang feelins about issues. This leaflet will help ye finn oot mair aboot the pairlament and weys tae involve yirsel in its wark."

Alex Salmond, it explains, is the "first meenister".

The new guide is part of an £800,000 overhaul of the parliament's website, which is now available in 14 languages.

But Liz Smith, a Conservative MSP, said: "This is a language spoken by a few thousand people at most. Sadly, this seems like another exercise to keep the PC lobby happy." Or for our Scots readers: mair of yon PC.

Pundit punters bet on Balls to get a kicking

Could the defeat of Ed Balls be the "Portillo moment" of the next general election? The defeat of the children's secretary is being seriously considered by the wiliest of political stakeholders - the betting market.

"I've punted quite heavily at good odds that Ed Balls will get ousted," says Mike Smithson, creator of PoliticalBetting.com. "A big swing is required, but it's considerably smaller than the one that saw Michael Portillo lose Enfield."

Portillo's defeat was a key moment of the 1997 election: he lost a 15,563 majority. Balls will be fighting the new West Yorkshire seat of Morley & Outwood, which has a notional majority of 9,800.

David Miliband - who would fight Ed Balls in any future leadership contest - announced last week that he didn't want to be high representative of the European Union but would stick to domestic politics. Do you think he's been studying the Morley & Outwood figures?

Brace yourself, Boris, you're more popular than you think

If you do not wish to read an item about sexual magnetism and Boris Johnson, please look away now (Mrs Johnson, this means you).

A survey by Time Out magazine claims just 22% of women and 29% of men would not be interested in sex with the London mayor; from which we deduce that 78% of women and an astonishing 71% of men would definitely be up for it. Don't raise your hopes, though: London's population exceeds 7.5m.

With those numbers, Boris would barely have time to remove his cycle clips.

What a pleasant surprise to receive an e-mail from Ban Ki-moon, the general secretary of the United Nations. Especially as he claims to be my "dear friend". Rather forward if you ask me. Anyway, Mr Ban has splendid news. He thinks I've lost money in a business venture, and wants to send me a special ATM card that I can use to draw up to $10,000 a day on UN funds.

All I have to do to qualify is send my personal details to his representative in Abuja, Nigeria. I would imagine this is some clever scheme to stimulate the world economy, wouldn't you? And definitely not the work of an internet conman.

For this week's unnecessary job we look to the BBC, which is seeking a Vision Productions communications manager (up to £63,242). The successful candidate will "drive transformation change in a creative and dynamic environment". Naturally, they would. And once they've done that they will support "change communications to enable buy-in to Vision Productions' objectives at a senior and general staff level".

Let me help here. BBC Vision Productions, formerly plain old BBC Vision, is the Beeb's in-house production unit: its objectives are making programmes for the BBC. There we are. Vision communicated. Job done.

LITTLE BRITAIN

A window cleaner from Penrith has painted his house pink with yellow spots, pictured, and plans to give the larger spots smiley faces. Vince Holden, 47, said: "I didn't want it to look like Mr Blobby, I just wanted to put a smile on folk's faces. It's very artistic, you can't knock it for that. I got the idea from a house in Barrow with a chimney stack painted like a Liquorice Allsort."

- Cumberland News

A second world war hero has been banned from selling Remembrance Day poppies after raising £140,000 over 50 years - because he needs insurance. D-Day veteran Harry Billinge, 84, has been told the British Legion would not be able to afford the cost of insurance once he turns 85. "The world has gone mad," said Harry. "We never had insurance fighting on those beaches."

- Western Morning News

There are 1,200 people who still buy only a black-and-white TV licence in Wales, and the largest number are in Cardiff. Grandmother Jean Perry still watches her 30-year-old Hitachi set. "My family has tried to get me to get rid of it, but it serves a purpose. It doesn't take up as much room as a colour television."

- Western Mail

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