Mummy, why haven’t you got a willy? Thomas, 4
When this question crops up, and trust me, it will, nothing but a direct answer will suffice. Be prepared to give them enough facts without telling them more than they need to know. A detailed description of the female genitalia won’t mean much to them at 4, but that doesn’t mean you should shy away from the essential details.
“What they need at this age isn’t particularly graphic or explicit,” says Christine Webber, a sexual relationship expert. “I think you should say, ‘Men have willies and they need them to wee from; women don’t have them because we don’t need them. We have another hole to wee from.’ Very often that is sufficient. At this stage, it’s not a sexual question but a case of just noting the differences.”
But there are other issues at stake. You may, for instance, want to frame what girls “don’t have” in a more positive way; what you don’t want to imply is that young Thomas has a willy and, by contrast, poor Mummy has a physical absence.
Petra Boynton, a sex researcher and psychologist, says: “I would avoid this by starting with what Mummy has, then going on to what Daddy has. If you say Mummy doesn’t have one, it could make the child think that she should have one, implying that having a penis is better.”
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The next minefield is how to refer to the female genitalia. Clearly it has to be a name you feel at ease with. “If you go silly or twee or disrespectful, your child will pick up any emotional ambivalence in your tone. You need to think about it beforehand,” says Kairen Cullen, an educational psychologist specialising in sex education.
Webber and Boynton tentatively suggest vulva, which sounds very grown-up and, besides, a little boy could easily confuse it with something Swedish that daddy parks in the drive. So we’re back to the delicate issue of the name of parts, a gender issue that lies at the root of the question; I have yet to hear a four-year-old girl asking her father why he hasn’t got a vulva.
Finally, Boynton recommends thanking your child for asking the question. “Saying something like, ‘Thank you for asking that. It’s an interesting question,’ is giving a message that it’s perfectly OK to talk around this topic. Even if you find it embarrassing, try to give your child a straightforward answer because it makes them feel so much more comfortable.” For Emma’s previous columns, go to
If you would like answers to tricky questions, just e-mail body&soul@thetimes.co.uk