Q I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for six months. The sex was good at the start, but he has quickly become complacent and lazy in bed and I feel like I do all the work. Everything else is fine in the relationship. How can I get things back to how they were?
A Stop facilitating his complacency. Sexual inequity never gets better of its own accord and if you continue to reward your boyfriend for contributing nothing, that’s what he will continue to contribute. Initially, when one person stops making an effort, the other one will often try to pick up the slack, but eventually, as you are finding, it will become habit, and it’s a habit that doesn’t feel good.
“Laziness and lack of reciprocity should be a red flag
One of the primary reasons people don’t challenge inequities such as sexual selfishness is because they worry that the relationship will end. It isn’t easy to meet new partners and it gets progressively harder with age as the pools of available people get smaller. When the proverbial bird in the bush is so hard to find, we make more excuses for the bird in the hand, but it is a compromise that is not without cost.
You are rationalising your boyfriend’s behaviour and persuading yourself that “everything else is fine” because you want to fix the problem rather than throw in the towel, but laziness and lack of reciprocity is a red flag, and tolerating a one-sided sexual relationship will damage your self-esteem in the long term.
It requires a great deal of confidence to be assertive and to insist on sexual reciprocity, but it is worth it. In the early 1990s research by David Farley Hurlbert, the clinical director of marriage and sex therapy at Darnall community hospital in Texas, established that sexually assertive women reported having higher frequencies of sexual activity, more orgasms, greater desire and greater marital and sexual satisfaction.
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Your boyfriend may be a lovely guy, but the fact that he isn’t meeting you halfway at this early stage is not a good sign. It is also unlikely that his complacency will restrict itself to the bedroom in the longer term. You need to talk to him, but be warned: ultimatums tend to backfire.
Lots of people believe in hiding criticisms between two slices of positive feedback, but that might not work in this scenario either. Research carried out by behavioural scientists at the University of Chicago found that this strategy (known as a “praise sandwich”) leaves recipients feeling as if they have been praised rather than criticised, so you might not get anywhere.
It is better to have several less intense conversations than one big anxious confrontation, but you need to be clear and explicit. Explain that the lack of reciprocity in your sexual relationship leaves you feeling taken for granted and insist that he make more of an effort. If he has an ounce of sense, he will apologise and try to make amends. If he doesn’t accept what you are saying, or tries to contradict you, think long and hard about what you want to do.
There is a wealth of evidence to demonstrate that perceived lack of sexual equity predicts lower levels of relationship commitment and ultimately relationship dissolution. Your instincts are telling you that already, so don’t ignore them. It is much better to be single and still have your self-esteem intact than it is to stay in a relationship with someone who doesn’t appreciate you.
Send your queries to weekendsex@thetimes.co.uk, or write to Suzi Godson, Weekend, The Times, 1 London Bridge Street, London SE1 9GF
