“War, what is it good for?” Forget conventional pop wisdom for a moment — “Absolutely nothing. Huh, say it again!” — and consider that the Second World War left American manufacturing poised to drive a 1950s consumerist boom, or that the privations of rationing wouldn’t do any harm in today’s fight against childhood obesity. War also gives George Bush something to do when he’s not engaged in his other great passion: meddling in the Ryder Cup. So linked are the two in Dubya’s head that he famously rallied his “troops” during the 1999 contest with stirring words from the Alamo. A US victory followed (in the golf, not at the Alamo) amid much bad feeling and fabulous TV.
Let’s hope the US brings out the misguided big guns again. Such an intensification would leave the European captain, Bernhard Langer, forced to turn to an old warhorse himself. Some thought that Langer’s recent decision to turn to Monty was a little backward thinking, but replacing the crumple-faced nearly-man Colin Montgomerie with the leader of the Desert Rats would be an inspired choice — we would certainly fight them in the bunkers.
We will probably need something to diffuse the tension, and who better than golf’s favourite sartorial show pony, Ian Poulter? Ditch the Union Jack trousers and dress him up as Clive Dunn from Dad’s Army, charming the partisan crowd with cries of “don’t panic!” or “they don’t like it up ‘em!” whenever someone sinks a putt. Or dress the entire team up like Dad’s Army, with Sam Torrance wandering around the 18th green shouting: “We’re all doomed!” Dressed in army fatigues and led by a German, we might win — the Yanks won’t show up until 1941 and tee off time is noon.
Golf: The Ryder Cup, Saturday, Sky Sports 1, noon; Sunday, Sky Sports 2, 10am; BBC Two, Saturday, 11.40pm, Sunday, 11.15pm